Ghosts and the paranormal.

Evening again. Two today! You lucky people. Did you like the bit of story? Let me know!

So this blog is about something my Gran and I were talking about earlier. It was in confidence but you don't know who my Gran is and she'll never know I'm talking about her. Unless you tell her. So, don't. Please? Thanks.

A few blogs ago, I mentioned that my Great Aunty Norma passed away. My Gran went to the funeral with my aunty and uncle and in the end, I didn't go. Neither did most of my family. My sister was expecting bambino #2, so it wasn't too convenient sadly.

I was with my Gran today and she was talking about after the funeral and how she got changed into her pyjamas and made herself a cup of tea and was just sitting and it was really the first time since the funeral that she'd had a chance to sit down and she started crying, as I think she would because she's just had to say goodbye to her little sister. When she was sitting, crying she said aloud "I wish there was some way you could show me you're with me". At that moment, a little teddy that she had bought my Gran, which sat quite securely by the television, toppled over very slowly and at that moment, she felt instantly comforted. I don't know about you, but that story gave me a chill.

Another instance that I heard of was about 7 years ago, when a girl in my English class passed away quite suddenly and unexpectedly. Her death hit the school quite hard and nobody could quite believe it. Even 7 years down the line, I still think of her. We weren't friends, but we didn't dislike each other, it was just what it was. I was quite good friends with her best friend and she let me read an essay she wrote about her and it was an instance similar to the one above. My friend had gone to her funeral and, in her room, even before she died, was a framed picture of the 2 of them with another friend which had always stood fairly securely. When she returned home, the photo was face down on the shelf.

Things like what I've described just lead me to believe that we are never alone and the people who truly touch our lives, are never gone.

What do you all think? Is there some truth to be found in the supernatural or the "after-life"?

Paul xx

Anybody want a sampler of my writing?

I couldn't think of anything witty and informative to write about so who wants a chunk of writing from an up and coming story called "The Consequences of Envy"? Your thoughts, honest preferably, are most welcome. Constructive criticism will be taken, but I will not accept "it's just shite" as criticism.

Enjoy.

The work below is the intellectual property of Paul Copland and should not be copied, imitated or reproduced under ANY circumstances.

Katherina Bartolozzi stepped out of the chauffeur driven vehicle. With an air all too common of people in her profession, she surveyed the surroundings and surmised that she should tolerate this dreadful town because it was necessary.

In the distance, great chimneys spewed plumes of smoke and ash and their stench hung in the air like some unwanted caller; all too apparent and not at all welcome.

She looked up at the brick nightmare which stood in front of her.

This is my home from now on, she mused.

The "Burnside Palladium" in no way, shape or form lived up to the grandeur of its title. Its pale brickwork faded easily into the depression of the surrounding buildings and didn't offer any optimism for this latest venture into the complex world of opera. But, the contract was signed, the deal agreed and she realised that obligations must be honored, regardless of status, if she was to work again.

As she turned around to tip the driver, she heard a shuffling of footsteps and a younger man sidled towards her, his hair thinning and his cheeks, flushed. He offered his hand to Katherina.

"Good afternoon, ma'am! What a pleasure it is to receive you at the Burnside Palladium!" beamed the young man.

"Ahhh, you must be the man responsible for my bags until we get to the hotel." Not taking a second thought, she made her way towards the glass panelled doors of the theatre.

"Oh, no no no no ma'am, you are mistaken! I am Peter Crandall and I am the general manager of the Burnside Palladium!" he flourished, clearly very proud of his title. Whether the title was newly bestowed was anyone's guess. "I PERSONALLY requested that our director consider you for the role of Mimi in 'La Boheme'!"

"I see! Well Monsieur Crandall," she said with almost sickening affectation "I do thank you kindly for your considering me suitable for the role, a role which I have performed on more than one occasion for some of the FINEST opera companies across Europe. I'm sure this occasion will be just as well produced as the other three were." Katherina turned on her heel and made her way through the glass doors with a flourish.

The interior of the foyer in no way matched the outward exterior.

She was greeted with a sumptuous feast of rich reds and gold finishings. Above her head hung a beautiful, golden chandelier. For the first time this afternoon, she was duly impressed at the magnificent grandeur she was accustomed to.

© Paul Copland. 2011

You like?

Paul xx

Fancied doing a blog tonight

I think it's gonna be a general ramble which will, of course, blossom into a full fledged moan.

So I went for that audition. Fail. Enough said. Still, it's another experience with other people.

At this point in time, I feel like I have 2 main gripes on my mind; weight and unemployment.

I'll go with weight first.

Tonight, my mum, dad, brother and I visited my sister in Leuchars because her husband was working back-shift or something. I didn't pay attention to the details that much but it's not important. It's on the way back I'm thinking of. It's become a daily occurrence for my mum to have a go at me about my weight and, all the better when my dad's there, because he pipes in about his heart problems which are a genuine concern obviously. Apparently heart problems are hereditary so I've got that to look forward to. But he's like "Oh I was never your weight! You'll be lucky if you see 50!" which is something everyone wants to hear from their father. So that's a concern.

Then my mum came out with something which seemed to cap her ranting. She was like "OH I CAN'T STAND WATCHING YOU KILL YOURSELF!" Never has she uttered something so strong at me, ever. So I was a wee bit taken aback. But my natural response is to bat back with something unfunny and out of time and inappropriate. I said "it's not like I'm addicted to heroin! I would understand your concern if that were truly the case." So I was fairly taken aback. The thing is, I don't see how I keep gaining weight. I really don't. Boredom is a source of a lot of my calories just now, so I could certainly see the logic. But I don't think I'm killing myself. Am I?

Who knows. All I know is I'm too wound up to talk about unemployment now. So, I'll enjoy the rest of Glee then look forward to Eastenders on BBC3 at 10pm.

Au revoir, mes enfants!

Paul xx

Musings

So today, I did something that I wasn't totally sure about doing.

I put myself up for the UK Tour of Spring Awakening.

Hmm.

I may regret this decision already.

For those of you who don't know [you mean I didn't tell EVERYONE?! I swear, November and December 2008 were spent telling people my rags to almost riches story.] in 2008 I was one of the final 2 candidates for the role of Otto in Spring Awakening. This was an amazing time in my life that I still smile about now. It didn't really turn into much, I had a couple of auditions with the same people afterwards and such, but nothing really concrete.

I learned a lot about myself during that time; that I tended to put myself down a lot, think none too highly of myself as a performer and just moan about the littlest things and panic that I would never make it. On the flip side, nothing happened until January the next year and I felt fucking IMMORTAL. Like I was untouchable and the minute I chose to pursue my dream, that was the moment in which I would almost certainly fly to west-end stardom.

Needless to say, that didn't happen.

My hesitations for not putting myself up for this go back a ways. Since September 2008 (when I first auditioned) I've thought about it at least once a week. There were even times where I thought about it every day and couldn't really get it out of my head. People always say that when it comes to auditioning the first cut is the deepest. I.e. once you get past that first rejection, you're good to go. This is where it might sound arrogant, I give you fair warning. Most people on their first auditioning experience don't get that far. People didn't comprehend that I was hurting because, after each and every audition, I built myself up to a humongous fall. I allowed myself to think that so soon into my experience, this was my time. I was OWED it for some reason.

It's now March 2011 and I can remember every single aspect of that experience. Dates, times, feelings, emotions, people I met, what those people are doing now, people I went with, people I saw, places I saw. The list goes on and on and on. In truth, I only really just started moving on with my life. I dwell on the past too much. So my hesitations come from not wanting to revisit that and be disappointed. I feel like opportunities may lie beyond Spring Awakening.

One creed I have always lived by is "everything happens for a reason". So who's to say that the original Spring Awakening experience wasn't just a precursor to this one? I mean, let's be fair. I got pretty close last time, didn't I? I did. So why not give it a bash, taking on board everything I know now, ALL of my life experience, all that I learned from that September in London and just give them it? Stick it to them ROUGH and see where it gets me?

Fortunately, that's what I'm going with.

As I said, I only asked about an audition. They may be full up, which would render this entire blog completely useless. But I had to get my feelings out. For as long as this blog is, it hasn't taken me that long to type it. These are feelings that have been bottled for ages, because I'm afraid people won't want to listen, and know what? They may not. But if you've gotten this far down the page and not scarpered after the first line, thank you. Thank you for letting me gibber and I hope you can understand how my mind works. In all its obsessive glory.

Thoughts?

Night all.

Paul xx

Buzzword: enabling

Just to fill y'all in, I thought I would start doing a blog which consisted of my thoughts and feelings on the various connotations on a word. This was originally gonna be an argument, but it's turned into a rant with a summary at the end.

So YEAH. As I said, enabling.

I first came up with this thought the other night when I was watching "Too Fat For 15" on Watch. As the title would suggest it concerns children, around about the age of 15 who are among the first generation who won't outlive their parents due to their size. They're not all aged 15, I think the eldest person is about 18? I could be wrong.

The prospect of "enabling", in my head, is allowing something to happen by unwitting encouragement. In this instance, to, without knowledge, encourage negative behaviours to happen by making excuses or lack of attention.

The series takes place in a residential school which looks a bit like what most of us Brits would think of as a stereotypical summer camp in America; log cabins, lakes, trees etc. The only difference is that it's a year-long school and it's called Wellspring Academy. Now, people who know me will know that I'm a heavy set guy, sometimes I wish I wasn't, sometimes it doesn't bother me, but these kids are exceptional cases. There's one girl who, at the age of 17 years old when she entered the camp weighed 512 lbs. I'm not one to judge someone that overweight, nor do I know the reasons why, but it's just an example of what the show deals with. The girl in question lost something like 195 lbs in her time on the show and I believe (or rather hope) will appear in the 2nd season to show her further progress.

The child from whom this whole argument stems is a boy called Scotty Basso, who, at 13 years old weighed in at 366 lbs! That's heavier than me and I'm 8 years older! My little brother is 13 years old and we come from a family of heavy people (who can pinpoint the reason why....good food and a love for takeaways maybe?) and that's never really changed drastically. But my problem with Scotty was the enabling behaviour his parents were showing, his mother in particular.

In a child's formative years, in my opinion, s/he should be nurtured; who that nurturing comes from is irrelevant, but still, nurturing should happen in some form and I don't mean over nurturing, I just mean the showing of love and affection for the child. I don't think it's impossible to have an outlet from somewhere, I think there's always someone there willing to show that love in any situation. But what Mother Basso was doing was enabling her son. He had to have surgery on his gall bladder due to his excessive over-eating and on the day that she took him out of Wellspring for said surgery, she took him to a Japanese buffet on the way home! How can she be so blind as to allow this to happen? Point 1; her son is going for potentially life-saving surgery and that problem stemmed from his over-eating and point 2; he's been putting in effort over the course of his time at Wellspring to ensure absolute success and you're rewriting that!

The reason I started off on nurturing is because it's key to establish a contrast in two very different concepts. When you nurture a child, you show him/her love, but are also able to discipline them because discipline in itself is a form of nurture, showing them that actions have consequence and too often now people *attempt* to be "Supernanny Parents" where no real action happens, there's a naughty step and a star-chart. I always say a smack on the bum did me no harm. Full on child abuse CANNOT happen, but a smack in the bum did me no harm. I don't have a criminal record or any "majorly" bad habits. Go figure. But I think that's a topic for another day.

In the ultimate episode of the series, the kids are seen enjoying Summer break, all the while having to stick to programme and try their best. All of the kids try their best; except Scotty who AGAIN makes shit choices and makes excuses. I got angry watching this. I couldn't understand how someone so young could come up with so many excuses as to his behaviour, then they showed his mum. QUEEN OF THE ENABLING EXCUSE. One of the final things shown in the season was their last weigh-ins at home. At the end of the semester at Wellspring, Scotty weighed in at 305, an amazing weight-loss by any standard! In his final weigh in at home he weighed 316. 11 lbs heavier than he was at the start of summer. His mother ensured that he went to the Doctor's surgery to get weighed on those scales because;

• "the scales at home weren't the most accurate".
• "he weighed himself later in the day than he normally would."
• "he hadn't been to the toilet that day."

Now, anyone that knows me, knows that I have a short fuse quite a lot of the time. I get angry quite needlessly, not in a violent way, but if someone says something to annoy me, it's probably better if I step out of the room because I'll say something I'll regret. I never used to be like that, but I feel that as life kicks you in the chops in various ways, it becomes a defence mechanism. So imagine me watching this and this woman is throwing all of these excuses as to why her son has gained weight. At the Doctors surgery, he was weighed on the "accurate" scales and deemed 2 lbs HEAVIER than what the scales at home had told him.

In a moment of what can only be described as menthol clarity, I realised that Scotty wasn't fully to blame; his mother was as much as he was! She had enabled his behaviour for so long that excuses became a second nature to him and that's why he was struggling, he had learned this awful trait from her that instead of owning up to mistakes and finding positive ways to move on, the desire to be right and attempt to justify your shortcomings and mistakes is more important.

I find it really sad that enabling happens so often. I suppose it happens everywhere though, in all walks of life. In this case, it could prove to be the difference between life and death which I find very sad. Not to say that all cases of enabling lead to death, but you get the gist.

Thoughts?

Paul xx

Wow

So I've done it again. Forgotten this poor blog existed. Oooooops.

Well, I think I chose to write tonight because it's a bit of a sad night. So if you're looking for upbeat, go on youtube and cherchez for cute kittens or skater boys hurting themselves is more your thing, go there. I'm sure whatever your fetish/funny bone requirements are, youtube can accommodate you. (www.youtube.com)

But yeah. So tonight was sad.

We got a phonecall tonight about 8pm that my brother answered because he likes to answer the phone and it was my great uncle Joe from Morpeth looking for my dad but he didn't leave a message. Joe is my dad's uncle by marriage and his wife, Norma is my dad's aunt.

So a couple of hours went by and I was speaking to Kurt from Oz who was telling me he was at his Nan's (who I was staying with in Australia - my dad's aunt - Norma's sister - also, my gran's sister) and he said that she'd just found out that her sister had died.

So I was panicked thinking that he meant my gran. That was my first thought. So I was worrying and my Aunty Cherry (who I stayed with in Oz) called me and said that in fact it was my Aunty Norma had died. (Just to point out here, I was obviously upset that my Aunty Norma had died, but the fleeting thought that it was my gran was almost paralysing) So I was just shocked. Absolutely shocked. So I went to call my Gran to see how she was and see if she thought I should call my Mum and Dad because they were out for the night and wouldn't be back till later but she told me that they were with her. So that was one less worry. But still. So it's been quite a lot to take in.

I have never personally had a death so close to home and I don't quite know what to think. It's a massive shock for one thing and I'm sad, of course I'm sad, but I find myself worrying more for those around me. My aunty in Australia at this point must just feel so stranded and helpless and she won't even be able to come out to the funeral. My gran is devastated, as you would be, and I just worry for everyone. My dad has, what I call, his "all things for all people" look on his face. It sounds so friggin' corny to say, but he's probably my hero a little bit. He just helps by nature and is a far cry from what his dad was. Which is nice. He's done everything right by his family and continues to do so, and I'm probably more proud of him than he is of me but ho-hum! So he's just there for everyone right now.

Potentially the most worrying aspect of this whole thing is my Nana. My Nana, who is my Dad's Gran and Norma's mum, is 94, 95 almost and she doesn't even know yet. My Gran thought that it was Joe's mum who had died so told her that she had died. So now my Gran and my Dad have the unenviable task of delivering this horrible piece of news to my Nana that her daughter has died. How do you even go about doing that? When you stand back and think what a horrific piece of news that is to deliver, how do you do it? It doesn't even bear thinking about.

They've said I can't go to the funeral. Which I should probably be grateful of, but I feel like I should go. I didn't see her that often; once or twice a year if you're lucky maybe. But still, I think it's a mark of respect to want to go and pay your respects because you're able to. It just seems like a common decency.

So this news has hit pretty hard. I just hope that everyone pulls through and can move on with their lives, remembering her and knowing that wherever she is, she's happy and healthy and smiling.

Thanks for listening.

Goodnight.

Paul xx

This post...

runs a high risk of becoming preachy.

So I thought I would begin with some frivolity and light hearted updates.

Last night was the night I did my Address To A Haggis at a Burns supper. The Burns supper was....okay? I missed a couple of lines which was embarrassing, but I got paid which was nice. It all evened itself out.

I've also been knuckling down writing my comedy pilot which I'm really enjoying and finding my feet with. There's a good few places I'm gonna send it to. So it's really just a case of establishing the characters voices and finishing my script for episode 1. I also need to write a proper character description and a brief synopsis about what I hope to achieve. //pretention

So now the serious stuff. If you don't wanna read about anatomy of the male or be preached at, don't read it. Leave it at the haggis and the script.

So you've chosen to read on.

Then we shall begin.

Around tuesday I started feeling a pain in my boy parts. Parts implies that there are 2 of them. In the UK we're told that AS SOON AS YOU FEEL A PAIN THERE YOU HAVE TO SEE A DOCTOR BECAUSE IT MIGHT BE FATAL.

Now, I'll be honest. I've had pain on and off there for about 4 years and I've never done anything about it. Why? Well there is one obvious reason. But my mum thought it was that I didn't want anyone touching me there. I don't mind that if it's consensual (LOL) or in the interest of medicine.

No. The REAL reason is that I never wanted to sit down in front of someone only to be told that I'm ill. Who wants that? So rather stupidly, I've put it off for YEARS, because of the stated reason.

On tuesday, the pain became more apparent, to the point where it couldn't be ignored. So what did I do? I ignored it.

I went through tuesday in pain. On wednesday I decided that I couldn't ignore it any longer but I was too late to make an appointment with the doctors, so on thursday, my mother very kindly got me an appointment for the afternoon. So I thought okay, I'm-a go face the music and see what shit's going down. The night before, I knew I'd be seeing a doctor so couldn't sleep for the life of me. Everything plays over in your mind. As I've said in previous blogs, I have a habit of talking to myself to get to sleep. Even THAT wasn't helping.

So I went to see the doctor, pot of pee in hand and explained the situation to him and he did his business (had a grope) and said that there was nothing he could find.

Nothing.

4 years of worrying come to nothing.

Am I angry/sad/relieved/happy?! I don't have a clue. But there's nothing to worry about.

I know awareness has to be a key priority, fair enough. But people like me are total fearmongerers. During the swine-flu pandemic, I was on TOTAL tenterhooks. I had about 6 scares going OH SHITE I've got it. Mostly because I've got a scratchy throat. Total idiotic. So imagine the fear when we get told we have to go and see a doctor because there is probably a problem. SO FUCKING FRIGHTENING.

So I do worry and I do panic.

All I would say to people is if you think there's a problem - for the love of Liza, get it seen to! It may not even be anything to worry about. Look at me, 4 years down the line and apparently there's no apparent problem.

I think I'm relieved.

I am. BUT GET YOURSELF SEEN TO IF YOU THINK THERE'S A PROBLEM!

I say this out of nothing short of love.

Paul xx

Updates!

Good evening reader(s?)

How are we all?

I just thought now would be as good a time as any to have a cheeky wee ramble seeing as I haven't done it for a while.

What's new you ask? Well, quite a fair bit in the grand scheme of things I suppose.

1) I *think* I nearly have a job. I'm not gonna say any more about it because knowing my luck I'll jinx it!

2) I'm doing the "Address To A Haggis" on Saturday at a Burns supper, which if there any people of a Non-Scottish persuasion reading (hello if you are!) is a poem that's read as someone presents the Haggis at a Burns Supper. It's a specific poem called "Address To A Haggis". I, however, thought that it could be any Rabbie Burns standard, like My Love is like a Red Red Rose. I was indeed wrong....

3) I've been writing like a son of a bitch! Honest, I'm churning out so much and I'm so proud.

I've been writing something that I'm calling a Scottish version of The Inbetweeners, but less smutty. I went on the BBC website who say that a submitted script should be in full and at least 30 pages or 30 minutes. It says that most unsolicited scripts won't receive replies but I figure where is the harm? If they reject me again, I'll just send it again!

When I was 14 or 15, me and my friend David sent an idea for a sketch show down which was utter crap, but at the time it seemed friggin' genius! They were even nice enough to send us a reply. It was probably because we were children-ish at the time and they didn't want to destroy our ambitions entirely. The reply was basically like "okay....this is good! Here's a few magazines to read to help you out in the future". But now they say they won't accept submissions of sketch shows. Which is fine! Mine isn't a sketch show!

It's gonna be a long complicated road getting it finished but I'm going for broke. Love it.

Also! I'm writing a romance/thriller based in the 1920s. There's apparently a ghost in the Alhambra who fell to her death after being pursued by her husband to the dress circle of the the theatre, tripping on her dress and then falling over the side and breaking her neck on the stalls below. My story starts with that as a preface and then going back and finding how she got to that point and whether she fell or was pushed! So we shall see how that one pans out! Very excited though.

That's all folks!

Paul xx

Gripes.

I'm being ENTIRELY positive these days so my list of gripes isn't very long. It's basically the state of the pavements and the bus service. I hate it so much!

Since the snow has come the pavements are lethal. To get out of my estate, it's quite a steep wee hill that, being unfit is TORTURE to scale. I hate it. The message when the snow kicked off was don't drive unless absolutely necessary. So people didn't want to drive so they thought they'd walk or get the bus. MCWRONGO. The pavements are icy and shit. The bus services were delayed.

There are actually 2 only 2 buses that go into town. The fast one only comes hourly and is always late and the other one which is fairly regular takes about 25 minutes to get to the town in a journey that should probably only take about 5 minutes tops. So it looks like it'll be the long friggin bus. Ouch.

Oh well. Rant over for tonight.

How are you all?
Paul xx

A more serious entry tonight.

So what everyone seems to be talking about is this Eastenders plot. Ronnie Mitchell, upon discovering her newborn baby has died tragically from SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome), switches her baby with that of the newborn son of Alfie and Kat Moon, leading them to believe that their baby has died and cause them immense grief.

The outrage this has caused is massive, and, in my opinion, quite understandably. For ANYONE who has suffered this kind of loss, I can't imagine the range of emotions this must conjure up. So what has happened in the reaction to this? Eastenders have issued statements from every single corner of the writers room it seems. What they're all focussing on however is the fact that Ronnie made the swap of the babies.

Since I heard this storyline was happening, I thought straight away how insensitive it was, with or without baby swap. I know it's a serial drama and it aims to tackle issues that affect everyone but I just think that dealing with the death of an infant is such a sensitive issue that it's almost taboo. In the thousands of statements that have been released though, they seem to all be saying "in no way do the actions of Ronnie Mitchell mirror those of any other grief stricken mother".

It's all very well and good to say that, but they seem to forget the fact that they are dramatising something that in itself is traumatic for any parent who goes through it. I asked my mum how she felt about it and she said that she could understand them portraying "cot death" but couldn't understand why they'd put the baby switch in. Is it just me who feels so strongly about SIDS itself being portrayed?

As I've said on I think about 1,000,000 occasions, I have a nephew. He's 1 in about 3 weeks and because I lived with him up until he was about 9 months old, I used to worry myself sick on a regular basis that something might happen to him. So, if that's how I feel, I don't know how a parent who's actually gone through the horror of losing an infant at such a young age must feel.

I think they've been under so much pressure since announcement that they've had no choice but to cut it short which I think is good. But it means that there's gonna be a constant reminder for about 3 more months. In my mind it should've never been portrayed in the first place. I feel it was no more than a ploy for Brian Kirkwood to mark his territory by putting a sensational story in that would get chins wagging, which it certainly has.

Also, on a more general note, how depressing is Eastenders?! I refuse to believe that a London borough, East End of London or not, has that much bad luck! Can't they just take a lesson from Coronation Street, which if I may be so bold, is fucking FUNNY sometimes. They have genuine moments of humour. I think that's probably the reason it's still going.

Like earlier on, I watched Brookside (they have classic episodes on 4oD. AMAZING) and in one episode, a woman was propositioned, harassed by a guy who blamed her for the break-up of his family, then she was raped when she was alone on an empty street. Now, I understand, this was probably an extra dramatic day, but I couldn't help feeling like shit was going from bad to worse for her.

Soaps just aren't believable. I don't see how they can be. So when producers say things like "we always bring the real issues to the fore and portray thought provoking television", it's really making a mockery of it....because I don't find them to be believable. Things like Neighbours and Coronation Street are consistently balanced. There's always some comedy happening while the tragedy is happening, which makes it slightly more gauging I feel.

So this went from one issue into a full blown soap rant.

Hmm.

Thoughts?
Paul xx

What never gets old?

Family Guy. Simple.

Need I say more?

NO.

Paul xx

A bit of a rambler since yesterdays was so damn depressing.

I think my mood is visibly improved today. Like really positively improved. I think people mistake the value of verbally spewing your issues. It's done wonders for my mooditude (mood and attitude - look at me amalgamating words)!

So tonight, I thought it could be a nice fluff piece. It's 2:42am (when I wrote that, that was the time) and I'm listening to my iPhone and am revelling in the tunes that are appearing. It all seems to be really uplifting. I don't know why though, because there is genuinely some quite sad stuff playing and it doesn't seem to be annoying me, or upsetting me! I've got that nice endorphinish rush you get from walking or....hand-man (s'all I'm saying) and I've done none of those things today. I did however go to see The Threepenny Opera and it was so nice catching up and having a bit of banter with friends. Usually the case when I go back to Adam Smith College. Good times! The show itself was good! Long, but good. Well performed for such an EXHAUSTING piece. They handled themselves well. They're doing Spring Awakening in May, which is another exhausting piece but one that will forever hold a place in my heart!

So YEAH. Fluff piece. My tele tastes have changed recently. I used to, not by vendetta I should at this point add, avoid anything that had to do with Chuck Lorre. The 2 culprits being Two and a Half Men and The Big Bang Theory. I didn't even know the guys name or that he'd come up with the ideas for the shows. But I just didn't want to encourage Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men, but, I watched it on the way home from Australia, and on the way there in fact and loved it. Absolutely loved it. I can't put my finger on why. It seems to be one of these shows that's started off with quite an average audience, but as the seasons have gone on it's picked up a helluva following (including Johnny-Come-Lately's like myself!) and it's probably hitting a peak around now. Whereas you look at a show like Friends which was popular from day one, so where could it really go but [VERY SLIGHTLY] downhill in terms of standards? Same with Will & Grace. Now, anyone who knows me knows that my Will & Grace loving (as a typical gay man) borders on the obsessive. I can quote that show like it's no one's business. But that was ground breaking, so people were tuning in because it had a complex gay man-straight woman friendship at the core, as opposed to your traditional loving relationship. That was AMAZINGLY written to begin with and when David Kohan and Max Mutchnik left the standards slipped ever so slightly. But it was still funny viewing.

What was my original point? YEAH. Two and a Half Men has been consistently funny for 8 seasons whereas iconic sitcoms like Friends and Will & Grace took a slight dip. Another one which I'm just beginning to appreciate is The Big Bang Theory. I can't form the words to say how funny I find it. I've not laughed at anything in so long like I have at this. I'm just getting into it though, so I can feel this obsession getting ugly and cankerous (eew).

My relationship with trash TV is kinda love-hate. UK trash TV sucks in my head as a general rule. It seems that all channel 4 do is churn out some rubbish contest where some celebrities gamble their dignity for some yucks. Whatever happened to Brookside?! ITV2 isn't much better. The Only Way Is Essex? Why don't they do something about Fife?! How funny would that be?! I'd wet myself. Follow the jakies who get their meth fae Boots and the cues outside the Job Centre wanting to use the phones to ask where their giro is. I get a fuzzy feeling just pondering it.

Now, trash TV from the USA. Gotta love that. They have no qualms admitting that some things may have been staged to make it more interesting. My current favourite is The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Why? Because of this beauty.

Isn't she a vision?! Teresa Giudice. She's like the Rancor of the Real Housewives. Don't get her mad or she will shout in your face and flip a table at you. She's amazing though. I think people just tune in now to watch her lose it. But what better reason?! But I genuinely love her. What's not to love about her? (the preceding question was posed rhetorically. Please do not attempt to answer.)

That's my TV section done. Long wasn't it?! In terms of reading not much is happening. I think I'm gonna read Porno. It's the sequel to Trainspotting so don't be thinking I'm disgusting. It's sat on my shelf for the first time in years because it was on a shelf I don't look at very often. But I think now might be the time. UNLESS I reread Trainspotting. Which was amazing. But totally heavy. Not sure I could cope with it in my sensitive mental state.

Anyway, I'm pure tired.

Night sons, mothers and other lovers.

Paul xx

PS: thanks for the feedback from last night. Muchos appreciado.

2010. A year in review...

So don't worry....I'm not gonna give you an entire breakdown of every single event in the last 12 months. There would be no need for that. What I aim to do here is show the key events which, on reflection there have been a good few and the effect that those have had on me now, positive or negative.

January to March....

I started the year as I finished it. Drunk and unemployed. Nothing much changed over this period except a weight gain and slipped further into madness. Well....maybe not that extreme to be honest. But still.

I also forgot that in that time my sister gave birth to my beautiful nephew, Alfie. It sounds so corny to say but I reckon he lit up my 2010. Everytime I see him, he never fails to put a smile on my face, regardless of how shit the day has been!

At the end of March I got a job that I thought was gonna be absolutely amazing. More on that in the next section.

April to June....

I got a job that was by no means a dream job, but it was a job. Right from the get go I had my mum telling me it was a terrible idea, my dad telling me it was a terrible idea. The only person family wise who wasn't telling me it was a bad idea was me. The pay was sub-par but I was working for someone I genuinely hold great admiration for. That hasn't changed, but what I didn't realise is that I wouldn't be working with her as much as I'd hoped...

I suppose one thing I learned was that I should just do as I'm told, suck it up and get the fuck on with it. One of the responsibilities was to call various places and ask for information. Basically, to verbally barge my way in. I didn't enjoy doing that and a couple of times it turned into a war of words and me throwing the dummy out of the pram. It's funny though because I don't regret it.

Also during those 3 months I had a bad experience with a project in which I got accused of....I dunno what you'd call it....negligence I guess? Yeah, where a kid went home with the wrong parents. That is a MASSIVE mistake and one I still shudder about. Lucky for me, the parents knew the other parents so it wasn't too huge a deal. But if the mother had her way, I was being killed. That was a setback. All of this, by the way, will be summarised at the end of this blog.

It was also in June that I made a potentially life changing decision. My Aunty visited from Australia and offered me the opportunity to go over and visit her. Which I've since done. More about that later!

July to September....

So the decision was made to go to Oz and it was all about booking. Done that. More on that later.

It was also in this time that I was at my most (PRETENTION ALERT) creatively nourishing. There were 2 productions in this time of Billy Elliot: Schools Edition that I was involved in and had the most fun times in the world with. Great mix of kids and a great time all round. Except for staffing bitchiness. Total pain in the ass that way. The kids were some of the best. The staff, well, some of them, most of them I got along with famously, were royally egotistical and vile. Harsh? Ohhhhh no. I could go on.

This is all concluded in August after another production of RENT I was involved in, not actually in the show, but working the lights. The work came to its natural end by that point so I just got ready for my time in Oz.

It was probably around this time that the whole thing started getting romanticized. I was gonna go to Australia, get the job in Neighbours, realise that my true calling was in Australia and not at home at all and I was in no way gonna miss the family I'd left behind. Oh. How wrong.

October to December....

So the month kicked off with a mixture of dread, excitement and confusion. The latter was a product of the former 2 I think. I had my going away party and it was one of those moment where you realise that you're surrounded by love, so already it was gonna be dreadful to leave my family and friends behind.

In the week leading up to October 15th, I was pretty mellow. It wasn't until the actual day that everything started to pour out. Or rather the night before. I'd been at my friend David's house and I was getting all of these Facebook messages from my friends wishing me all the best that I really lost it. Terrible. I cried a whole lot. The next day I had to say goodbye to my Nana (Great-Gran) and my Gran, all the while with that massively painful lump in the back of my throat. I get home and then I have to say what I think is the most difficult goodbye yet; my nephew, Alfie. I've got a lump now thinking about it which is silly because I'm back now (surpriiiise if you hadn't already guessed). I cried like an ACTUAL river. Saying goodbye to my parents was really tough as well. My Dad cried. That was really difficult to see. I don't think I'd seen him cry up until that point.

So, crying aside, I flew to Australia and had what was one of the most challenging 6 weeks of my life. I did most everything I could've hoped to have done. Australia Zoo (AMAZING), went all the way up and down Queensland. My highlight was The Gold Coast. Absolutely DIVINE. Really beautiful country out there and I miss that. It was difficult though because the family out there is so disjointed. So so hard to gauge and get a hold of because there are so many problems. It's not their fault, well, not EVERYONE'S fault, but some people are just left to pick up the pieces. That wasn't nice to be around.

A quick Geography lesson though. Because Australia is literally down under, the seasons are so mixy. Christmas decorations were going up as it was getting hotter. That was really screwy. I'm a really family orientated person so knowing that my family were getting all geared up for Christmas and I wasn't there was really a killer. I think what swung it though was something to do with the fact that the UK became blanketed in snow. Watching that while sweating was difficult to stomach.

It was about 3 days before I left that I decided I wanted to leave. What that meant is that I'm now indebted to my aunty, who I know for a fact won't expect that back but DAMN IT she's gonna get it back. It also meant that it was a snap decision and I won't lie and say I don't regret it. There are points about leaving that I regret immensely.

CONCLUSION.

So....how do I even begin to draw upon this whole experience that got called 2010?

It had its highs and lows. They've always been extreme. Immense highs and damaging lows.

January through June, I think what I learned was that I should just do as I'm told and if something is worth doing, it's worth doing as I'm instructed. After all, what's important? Money or dignity? I know what the answer should be, but I also know what the answer is.

June through August I learned tolerance. I learned to deal with things in an appropriate manner. Inform the right people when there's an issue and for God sake don't sit and bubble on things that annoy you. That can only be a bad thing. A really bad thing. I'm more honest which is good. I think. I also learned that maybe deciding to act on impulse isn't necessarily the best idea!

August to October, there was one simple lesson; imagination shouldn't run away from you.

October to now. Well. I'm a better person than I thought I was. I've been called "a credit to my family" which is one of the nicer things I've been called. I also learned that I can do it if I put my mind to it. I can also cook an omelette and a steak now. Although, I know not if we have eggs so I cannot demonstrate unto you the true skill of my omeleteering. Good word eh?

From now on...

I'm a lean mean job searching machine. In 2011, I've applied for a few jobs already. Good eh? I've also realised that I can lose 5 stone this year by losing 1lb a week every week this year. I've realised that I'm never gonna have a fit ass swimmers body, but I think I'd like to be average size. And I think I CAN be an average size. I have jeans I want to slim into you see! Very nice and I've not worn them in a year or so. I'm too big for them now. It's also true that if you lose a little bit of weight at a time as opposed to big chunks, it's more sustainable. So it may not happen as fast, but it *SHOULD* stay off. I say should.

I think I've summed the year up fairly coherently and without confusion. If you have any questions, tweet me (www.twitter.com/PaulKRINGLE - but I'm gonna change it soon).

This blogging will hopefully become more regular, because truth be told it's a nice release. It helps to be able to put your thoughts on to a page. Truly does.

Be in touch soon?

Paul xx