I put myself up for the UK Tour of Spring Awakening.
Hmm.
I may regret this decision already.
For those of you who don't know [you mean I didn't tell EVERYONE?! I swear, November and December 2008 were spent telling people my rags to almost riches story.] in 2008 I was one of the final 2 candidates for the role of Otto in Spring Awakening. This was an amazing time in my life that I still smile about now. It didn't really turn into much, I had a couple of auditions with the same people afterwards and such, but nothing really concrete.
I learned a lot about myself during that time; that I tended to put myself down a lot, think none too highly of myself as a performer and just moan about the littlest things and panic that I would never make it. On the flip side, nothing happened until January the next year and I felt fucking IMMORTAL. Like I was untouchable and the minute I chose to pursue my dream, that was the moment in which I would almost certainly fly to west-end stardom.
Needless to say, that didn't happen.
My hesitations for not putting myself up for this go back a ways. Since September 2008 (when I first auditioned) I've thought about it at least once a week. There were even times where I thought about it every day and couldn't really get it out of my head. People always say that when it comes to auditioning the first cut is the deepest. I.e. once you get past that first rejection, you're good to go. This is where it might sound arrogant, I give you fair warning. Most people on their first auditioning experience don't get that far. People didn't comprehend that I was hurting because, after each and every audition, I built myself up to a humongous fall. I allowed myself to think that so soon into my experience, this was my time. I was OWED it for some reason.
It's now March 2011 and I can remember every single aspect of that experience. Dates, times, feelings, emotions, people I met, what those people are doing now, people I went with, people I saw, places I saw. The list goes on and on and on. In truth, I only really just started moving on with my life. I dwell on the past too much. So my hesitations come from not wanting to revisit that and be disappointed. I feel like opportunities may lie beyond Spring Awakening.
One creed I have always lived by is "everything happens for a reason". So who's to say that the original Spring Awakening experience wasn't just a precursor to this one? I mean, let's be fair. I got pretty close last time, didn't I? I did. So why not give it a bash, taking on board everything I know now, ALL of my life experience, all that I learned from that September in London and just give them it? Stick it to them ROUGH and see where it gets me?
Fortunately, that's what I'm going with.
As I said, I only asked about an audition. They may be full up, which would render this entire blog completely useless. But I had to get my feelings out. For as long as this blog is, it hasn't taken me that long to type it. These are feelings that have been bottled for ages, because I'm afraid people won't want to listen, and know what? They may not. But if you've gotten this far down the page and not scarpered after the first line, thank you. Thank you for letting me gibber and I hope you can understand how my mind works. In all its obsessive glory.
Thoughts?
Night all.
Paul xx
