This post...

runs a high risk of becoming preachy.

So I thought I would begin with some frivolity and light hearted updates.

Last night was the night I did my Address To A Haggis at a Burns supper. The Burns supper was....okay? I missed a couple of lines which was embarrassing, but I got paid which was nice. It all evened itself out.

I've also been knuckling down writing my comedy pilot which I'm really enjoying and finding my feet with. There's a good few places I'm gonna send it to. So it's really just a case of establishing the characters voices and finishing my script for episode 1. I also need to write a proper character description and a brief synopsis about what I hope to achieve. //pretention

So now the serious stuff. If you don't wanna read about anatomy of the male or be preached at, don't read it. Leave it at the haggis and the script.

So you've chosen to read on.

Then we shall begin.

Around tuesday I started feeling a pain in my boy parts. Parts implies that there are 2 of them. In the UK we're told that AS SOON AS YOU FEEL A PAIN THERE YOU HAVE TO SEE A DOCTOR BECAUSE IT MIGHT BE FATAL.

Now, I'll be honest. I've had pain on and off there for about 4 years and I've never done anything about it. Why? Well there is one obvious reason. But my mum thought it was that I didn't want anyone touching me there. I don't mind that if it's consensual (LOL) or in the interest of medicine.

No. The REAL reason is that I never wanted to sit down in front of someone only to be told that I'm ill. Who wants that? So rather stupidly, I've put it off for YEARS, because of the stated reason.

On tuesday, the pain became more apparent, to the point where it couldn't be ignored. So what did I do? I ignored it.

I went through tuesday in pain. On wednesday I decided that I couldn't ignore it any longer but I was too late to make an appointment with the doctors, so on thursday, my mother very kindly got me an appointment for the afternoon. So I thought okay, I'm-a go face the music and see what shit's going down. The night before, I knew I'd be seeing a doctor so couldn't sleep for the life of me. Everything plays over in your mind. As I've said in previous blogs, I have a habit of talking to myself to get to sleep. Even THAT wasn't helping.

So I went to see the doctor, pot of pee in hand and explained the situation to him and he did his business (had a grope) and said that there was nothing he could find.

Nothing.

4 years of worrying come to nothing.

Am I angry/sad/relieved/happy?! I don't have a clue. But there's nothing to worry about.

I know awareness has to be a key priority, fair enough. But people like me are total fearmongerers. During the swine-flu pandemic, I was on TOTAL tenterhooks. I had about 6 scares going OH SHITE I've got it. Mostly because I've got a scratchy throat. Total idiotic. So imagine the fear when we get told we have to go and see a doctor because there is probably a problem. SO FUCKING FRIGHTENING.

So I do worry and I do panic.

All I would say to people is if you think there's a problem - for the love of Liza, get it seen to! It may not even be anything to worry about. Look at me, 4 years down the line and apparently there's no apparent problem.

I think I'm relieved.

I am. BUT GET YOURSELF SEEN TO IF YOU THINK THERE'S A PROBLEM!

I say this out of nothing short of love.

Paul xx

Updates!

Good evening reader(s?)

How are we all?

I just thought now would be as good a time as any to have a cheeky wee ramble seeing as I haven't done it for a while.

What's new you ask? Well, quite a fair bit in the grand scheme of things I suppose.

1) I *think* I nearly have a job. I'm not gonna say any more about it because knowing my luck I'll jinx it!

2) I'm doing the "Address To A Haggis" on Saturday at a Burns supper, which if there any people of a Non-Scottish persuasion reading (hello if you are!) is a poem that's read as someone presents the Haggis at a Burns Supper. It's a specific poem called "Address To A Haggis". I, however, thought that it could be any Rabbie Burns standard, like My Love is like a Red Red Rose. I was indeed wrong....

3) I've been writing like a son of a bitch! Honest, I'm churning out so much and I'm so proud.

I've been writing something that I'm calling a Scottish version of The Inbetweeners, but less smutty. I went on the BBC website who say that a submitted script should be in full and at least 30 pages or 30 minutes. It says that most unsolicited scripts won't receive replies but I figure where is the harm? If they reject me again, I'll just send it again!

When I was 14 or 15, me and my friend David sent an idea for a sketch show down which was utter crap, but at the time it seemed friggin' genius! They were even nice enough to send us a reply. It was probably because we were children-ish at the time and they didn't want to destroy our ambitions entirely. The reply was basically like "okay....this is good! Here's a few magazines to read to help you out in the future". But now they say they won't accept submissions of sketch shows. Which is fine! Mine isn't a sketch show!

It's gonna be a long complicated road getting it finished but I'm going for broke. Love it.

Also! I'm writing a romance/thriller based in the 1920s. There's apparently a ghost in the Alhambra who fell to her death after being pursued by her husband to the dress circle of the the theatre, tripping on her dress and then falling over the side and breaking her neck on the stalls below. My story starts with that as a preface and then going back and finding how she got to that point and whether she fell or was pushed! So we shall see how that one pans out! Very excited though.

That's all folks!

Paul xx

Gripes.

I'm being ENTIRELY positive these days so my list of gripes isn't very long. It's basically the state of the pavements and the bus service. I hate it so much!

Since the snow has come the pavements are lethal. To get out of my estate, it's quite a steep wee hill that, being unfit is TORTURE to scale. I hate it. The message when the snow kicked off was don't drive unless absolutely necessary. So people didn't want to drive so they thought they'd walk or get the bus. MCWRONGO. The pavements are icy and shit. The bus services were delayed.

There are actually 2 only 2 buses that go into town. The fast one only comes hourly and is always late and the other one which is fairly regular takes about 25 minutes to get to the town in a journey that should probably only take about 5 minutes tops. So it looks like it'll be the long friggin bus. Ouch.

Oh well. Rant over for tonight.

How are you all?
Paul xx

A more serious entry tonight.

So what everyone seems to be talking about is this Eastenders plot. Ronnie Mitchell, upon discovering her newborn baby has died tragically from SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome), switches her baby with that of the newborn son of Alfie and Kat Moon, leading them to believe that their baby has died and cause them immense grief.

The outrage this has caused is massive, and, in my opinion, quite understandably. For ANYONE who has suffered this kind of loss, I can't imagine the range of emotions this must conjure up. So what has happened in the reaction to this? Eastenders have issued statements from every single corner of the writers room it seems. What they're all focussing on however is the fact that Ronnie made the swap of the babies.

Since I heard this storyline was happening, I thought straight away how insensitive it was, with or without baby swap. I know it's a serial drama and it aims to tackle issues that affect everyone but I just think that dealing with the death of an infant is such a sensitive issue that it's almost taboo. In the thousands of statements that have been released though, they seem to all be saying "in no way do the actions of Ronnie Mitchell mirror those of any other grief stricken mother".

It's all very well and good to say that, but they seem to forget the fact that they are dramatising something that in itself is traumatic for any parent who goes through it. I asked my mum how she felt about it and she said that she could understand them portraying "cot death" but couldn't understand why they'd put the baby switch in. Is it just me who feels so strongly about SIDS itself being portrayed?

As I've said on I think about 1,000,000 occasions, I have a nephew. He's 1 in about 3 weeks and because I lived with him up until he was about 9 months old, I used to worry myself sick on a regular basis that something might happen to him. So, if that's how I feel, I don't know how a parent who's actually gone through the horror of losing an infant at such a young age must feel.

I think they've been under so much pressure since announcement that they've had no choice but to cut it short which I think is good. But it means that there's gonna be a constant reminder for about 3 more months. In my mind it should've never been portrayed in the first place. I feel it was no more than a ploy for Brian Kirkwood to mark his territory by putting a sensational story in that would get chins wagging, which it certainly has.

Also, on a more general note, how depressing is Eastenders?! I refuse to believe that a London borough, East End of London or not, has that much bad luck! Can't they just take a lesson from Coronation Street, which if I may be so bold, is fucking FUNNY sometimes. They have genuine moments of humour. I think that's probably the reason it's still going.

Like earlier on, I watched Brookside (they have classic episodes on 4oD. AMAZING) and in one episode, a woman was propositioned, harassed by a guy who blamed her for the break-up of his family, then she was raped when she was alone on an empty street. Now, I understand, this was probably an extra dramatic day, but I couldn't help feeling like shit was going from bad to worse for her.

Soaps just aren't believable. I don't see how they can be. So when producers say things like "we always bring the real issues to the fore and portray thought provoking television", it's really making a mockery of it....because I don't find them to be believable. Things like Neighbours and Coronation Street are consistently balanced. There's always some comedy happening while the tragedy is happening, which makes it slightly more gauging I feel.

So this went from one issue into a full blown soap rant.

Hmm.

Thoughts?
Paul xx

What never gets old?

Family Guy. Simple.

Need I say more?

NO.

Paul xx

A bit of a rambler since yesterdays was so damn depressing.

I think my mood is visibly improved today. Like really positively improved. I think people mistake the value of verbally spewing your issues. It's done wonders for my mooditude (mood and attitude - look at me amalgamating words)!

So tonight, I thought it could be a nice fluff piece. It's 2:42am (when I wrote that, that was the time) and I'm listening to my iPhone and am revelling in the tunes that are appearing. It all seems to be really uplifting. I don't know why though, because there is genuinely some quite sad stuff playing and it doesn't seem to be annoying me, or upsetting me! I've got that nice endorphinish rush you get from walking or....hand-man (s'all I'm saying) and I've done none of those things today. I did however go to see The Threepenny Opera and it was so nice catching up and having a bit of banter with friends. Usually the case when I go back to Adam Smith College. Good times! The show itself was good! Long, but good. Well performed for such an EXHAUSTING piece. They handled themselves well. They're doing Spring Awakening in May, which is another exhausting piece but one that will forever hold a place in my heart!

So YEAH. Fluff piece. My tele tastes have changed recently. I used to, not by vendetta I should at this point add, avoid anything that had to do with Chuck Lorre. The 2 culprits being Two and a Half Men and The Big Bang Theory. I didn't even know the guys name or that he'd come up with the ideas for the shows. But I just didn't want to encourage Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men, but, I watched it on the way home from Australia, and on the way there in fact and loved it. Absolutely loved it. I can't put my finger on why. It seems to be one of these shows that's started off with quite an average audience, but as the seasons have gone on it's picked up a helluva following (including Johnny-Come-Lately's like myself!) and it's probably hitting a peak around now. Whereas you look at a show like Friends which was popular from day one, so where could it really go but [VERY SLIGHTLY] downhill in terms of standards? Same with Will & Grace. Now, anyone who knows me knows that my Will & Grace loving (as a typical gay man) borders on the obsessive. I can quote that show like it's no one's business. But that was ground breaking, so people were tuning in because it had a complex gay man-straight woman friendship at the core, as opposed to your traditional loving relationship. That was AMAZINGLY written to begin with and when David Kohan and Max Mutchnik left the standards slipped ever so slightly. But it was still funny viewing.

What was my original point? YEAH. Two and a Half Men has been consistently funny for 8 seasons whereas iconic sitcoms like Friends and Will & Grace took a slight dip. Another one which I'm just beginning to appreciate is The Big Bang Theory. I can't form the words to say how funny I find it. I've not laughed at anything in so long like I have at this. I'm just getting into it though, so I can feel this obsession getting ugly and cankerous (eew).

My relationship with trash TV is kinda love-hate. UK trash TV sucks in my head as a general rule. It seems that all channel 4 do is churn out some rubbish contest where some celebrities gamble their dignity for some yucks. Whatever happened to Brookside?! ITV2 isn't much better. The Only Way Is Essex? Why don't they do something about Fife?! How funny would that be?! I'd wet myself. Follow the jakies who get their meth fae Boots and the cues outside the Job Centre wanting to use the phones to ask where their giro is. I get a fuzzy feeling just pondering it.

Now, trash TV from the USA. Gotta love that. They have no qualms admitting that some things may have been staged to make it more interesting. My current favourite is The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Why? Because of this beauty.

Isn't she a vision?! Teresa Giudice. She's like the Rancor of the Real Housewives. Don't get her mad or she will shout in your face and flip a table at you. She's amazing though. I think people just tune in now to watch her lose it. But what better reason?! But I genuinely love her. What's not to love about her? (the preceding question was posed rhetorically. Please do not attempt to answer.)

That's my TV section done. Long wasn't it?! In terms of reading not much is happening. I think I'm gonna read Porno. It's the sequel to Trainspotting so don't be thinking I'm disgusting. It's sat on my shelf for the first time in years because it was on a shelf I don't look at very often. But I think now might be the time. UNLESS I reread Trainspotting. Which was amazing. But totally heavy. Not sure I could cope with it in my sensitive mental state.

Anyway, I'm pure tired.

Night sons, mothers and other lovers.

Paul xx

PS: thanks for the feedback from last night. Muchos appreciado.

2010. A year in review...

So don't worry....I'm not gonna give you an entire breakdown of every single event in the last 12 months. There would be no need for that. What I aim to do here is show the key events which, on reflection there have been a good few and the effect that those have had on me now, positive or negative.

January to March....

I started the year as I finished it. Drunk and unemployed. Nothing much changed over this period except a weight gain and slipped further into madness. Well....maybe not that extreme to be honest. But still.

I also forgot that in that time my sister gave birth to my beautiful nephew, Alfie. It sounds so corny to say but I reckon he lit up my 2010. Everytime I see him, he never fails to put a smile on my face, regardless of how shit the day has been!

At the end of March I got a job that I thought was gonna be absolutely amazing. More on that in the next section.

April to June....

I got a job that was by no means a dream job, but it was a job. Right from the get go I had my mum telling me it was a terrible idea, my dad telling me it was a terrible idea. The only person family wise who wasn't telling me it was a bad idea was me. The pay was sub-par but I was working for someone I genuinely hold great admiration for. That hasn't changed, but what I didn't realise is that I wouldn't be working with her as much as I'd hoped...

I suppose one thing I learned was that I should just do as I'm told, suck it up and get the fuck on with it. One of the responsibilities was to call various places and ask for information. Basically, to verbally barge my way in. I didn't enjoy doing that and a couple of times it turned into a war of words and me throwing the dummy out of the pram. It's funny though because I don't regret it.

Also during those 3 months I had a bad experience with a project in which I got accused of....I dunno what you'd call it....negligence I guess? Yeah, where a kid went home with the wrong parents. That is a MASSIVE mistake and one I still shudder about. Lucky for me, the parents knew the other parents so it wasn't too huge a deal. But if the mother had her way, I was being killed. That was a setback. All of this, by the way, will be summarised at the end of this blog.

It was also in June that I made a potentially life changing decision. My Aunty visited from Australia and offered me the opportunity to go over and visit her. Which I've since done. More about that later!

July to September....

So the decision was made to go to Oz and it was all about booking. Done that. More on that later.

It was also in this time that I was at my most (PRETENTION ALERT) creatively nourishing. There were 2 productions in this time of Billy Elliot: Schools Edition that I was involved in and had the most fun times in the world with. Great mix of kids and a great time all round. Except for staffing bitchiness. Total pain in the ass that way. The kids were some of the best. The staff, well, some of them, most of them I got along with famously, were royally egotistical and vile. Harsh? Ohhhhh no. I could go on.

This is all concluded in August after another production of RENT I was involved in, not actually in the show, but working the lights. The work came to its natural end by that point so I just got ready for my time in Oz.

It was probably around this time that the whole thing started getting romanticized. I was gonna go to Australia, get the job in Neighbours, realise that my true calling was in Australia and not at home at all and I was in no way gonna miss the family I'd left behind. Oh. How wrong.

October to December....

So the month kicked off with a mixture of dread, excitement and confusion. The latter was a product of the former 2 I think. I had my going away party and it was one of those moment where you realise that you're surrounded by love, so already it was gonna be dreadful to leave my family and friends behind.

In the week leading up to October 15th, I was pretty mellow. It wasn't until the actual day that everything started to pour out. Or rather the night before. I'd been at my friend David's house and I was getting all of these Facebook messages from my friends wishing me all the best that I really lost it. Terrible. I cried a whole lot. The next day I had to say goodbye to my Nana (Great-Gran) and my Gran, all the while with that massively painful lump in the back of my throat. I get home and then I have to say what I think is the most difficult goodbye yet; my nephew, Alfie. I've got a lump now thinking about it which is silly because I'm back now (surpriiiise if you hadn't already guessed). I cried like an ACTUAL river. Saying goodbye to my parents was really tough as well. My Dad cried. That was really difficult to see. I don't think I'd seen him cry up until that point.

So, crying aside, I flew to Australia and had what was one of the most challenging 6 weeks of my life. I did most everything I could've hoped to have done. Australia Zoo (AMAZING), went all the way up and down Queensland. My highlight was The Gold Coast. Absolutely DIVINE. Really beautiful country out there and I miss that. It was difficult though because the family out there is so disjointed. So so hard to gauge and get a hold of because there are so many problems. It's not their fault, well, not EVERYONE'S fault, but some people are just left to pick up the pieces. That wasn't nice to be around.

A quick Geography lesson though. Because Australia is literally down under, the seasons are so mixy. Christmas decorations were going up as it was getting hotter. That was really screwy. I'm a really family orientated person so knowing that my family were getting all geared up for Christmas and I wasn't there was really a killer. I think what swung it though was something to do with the fact that the UK became blanketed in snow. Watching that while sweating was difficult to stomach.

It was about 3 days before I left that I decided I wanted to leave. What that meant is that I'm now indebted to my aunty, who I know for a fact won't expect that back but DAMN IT she's gonna get it back. It also meant that it was a snap decision and I won't lie and say I don't regret it. There are points about leaving that I regret immensely.

CONCLUSION.

So....how do I even begin to draw upon this whole experience that got called 2010?

It had its highs and lows. They've always been extreme. Immense highs and damaging lows.

January through June, I think what I learned was that I should just do as I'm told and if something is worth doing, it's worth doing as I'm instructed. After all, what's important? Money or dignity? I know what the answer should be, but I also know what the answer is.

June through August I learned tolerance. I learned to deal with things in an appropriate manner. Inform the right people when there's an issue and for God sake don't sit and bubble on things that annoy you. That can only be a bad thing. A really bad thing. I'm more honest which is good. I think. I also learned that maybe deciding to act on impulse isn't necessarily the best idea!

August to October, there was one simple lesson; imagination shouldn't run away from you.

October to now. Well. I'm a better person than I thought I was. I've been called "a credit to my family" which is one of the nicer things I've been called. I also learned that I can do it if I put my mind to it. I can also cook an omelette and a steak now. Although, I know not if we have eggs so I cannot demonstrate unto you the true skill of my omeleteering. Good word eh?

From now on...

I'm a lean mean job searching machine. In 2011, I've applied for a few jobs already. Good eh? I've also realised that I can lose 5 stone this year by losing 1lb a week every week this year. I've realised that I'm never gonna have a fit ass swimmers body, but I think I'd like to be average size. And I think I CAN be an average size. I have jeans I want to slim into you see! Very nice and I've not worn them in a year or so. I'm too big for them now. It's also true that if you lose a little bit of weight at a time as opposed to big chunks, it's more sustainable. So it may not happen as fast, but it *SHOULD* stay off. I say should.

I think I've summed the year up fairly coherently and without confusion. If you have any questions, tweet me (www.twitter.com/PaulKRINGLE - but I'm gonna change it soon).

This blogging will hopefully become more regular, because truth be told it's a nice release. It helps to be able to put your thoughts on to a page. Truly does.

Be in touch soon?

Paul xx