Happy 2013. Oh wait. I missed that because I'm shit...Happy 2014!

Where to start....I have no idea.

If this is the first post you're reading of mine, my name is Paul Copland. I'm 24 years old. I LIKE TO KICK. STREEEEEEEEEEEETCH. Nah jokes. That's Molly Shannon on SNL from way back. What a gal.

Anyway, I'm 24 years old and NOW OFFICIALLY an undergraduate student at University of Dundee, studying English and Creative Writing. I'm basically a mature student which is quite depressing given that I'm 24 and not 124. Never mind though. We must learn to accept the things we cannot change: a common facet in my life this last year. (And the breeze whispers 'segway'.)

So what has changed this year? I just took a quick breeze over my last entry and I'm struck by the optimism, even though at this stage in my life, I'd say I'm in a happier place. I suppose from 23-24, while, on the whole, tragedies aside, I'm a happier human, but I definitely have an edge of REALNESS. - Clearly, I've been watching too much RuPaul's Drag Race.

I moved out of my family home in January last year and lasted 6 months. It was, overall, a great experience, but not something I want to talk about right now. All in all, finances got the better of me.

In July this year, our family suffered a tremendous blow with the loss of my beloved Wee Gran. I know that people, for the most part grieve the loss of a Grandparent and that in this sense, I'm in no way special, but I've never felt deep grief like it. She truly was the lynch-pin of our entire family. She was, if you like, the brains behind the whole operation and one of the nicest, kindest people you could be lucky enough to meet. When I was about 3 years old, my Gran was diagnosed with Parkinsons' disease. As far as the general consensus goes, so many people don't understand this horrible disease and it's often mocked by those ignorant to the true horrors it presents. Most people see it solely as just shaking. I can tell you that after 21 years of fighting the disease valiantly, shaking was the least of my Gran's worries. Those had stopped perhaps 10 years previously. Instead, when her medication started to wear off, her body would stop and the pain would set in. Towards the end of her life, her mental faculties had started to wear slightly and she was in a constant state of pain. She always had a twinkle in her eye and even the last time I saw her, roughly a month before she died, she was still twinkling. I told her I loved her. That's all that matters to me. There is so much scope for regret in these situations, but it's hard to regret not seeing her when the last time I saw her was so precious.

My Gran's passing has informed a lot of the decisions I've made in the last 5 months. While one of my main reasons for moving home was financial, another is that I wanted to be with my family. I felt very isolated by her passing because it felt as if no one understood, even although I know so many people do. I'm largely glad I moved back. We fight and bicker, but I love being surrounded by family. I also realised FINALLY the futility of life.

In September, I was inspired by a friend to apply for a last minute place at university and I am so glad that I did. The place was available so I very much went and took it because life is ENTIRELY TOO FUCKING SHORT. Seriously, loads of people would look at this ethos as destructive, and in a lot of ways it definitely is, but I feel as if, thus far, it's been a phenomenal decision.

I think though, the most positive thing to happen to me this last year, is my boy. In November, I started chatting with one of the loveliest, sweetest boys I've ever had the pleasure to talk to. A week or so later, we met and connected instantly. A week or so after that we became official and we've been an official couple for 5 weeks now. I know it doesn't seem very long, but I've never connected with someone so quickly and so sincerely. We've spent so much time together now and achieved so much in such a short space of time. We're never short of things to talk about or things to do, but I'm so happy. If it wasn't for him, I probably would've written off 2013 as a fucking failure and I'm so honoured to go into 2014 with him.

That's all I have to say today.

I am happy.

Love and light,

Paul ox

Post title. Hmm. Not got one, sadly.

GOOD EVENING READERS.

How is life treating you since last we spoke?

I've genuinely thought about this blog at least once a month since I did my last one but never did anything about writing something new. It's funny, because it seems like not an awful lot of time has passed since my first post, but it's been nearly 3 years and in that time, so much has changed! I've kept you up to speed with most of it, which is nice of me, but in the last 10 months since I posted, a fair amount has stayed the same, while a lot more lies on a cutting room floor somewhere in the vast edit suite of my life.

That's deep. Balls deep.

It's funny, because last time, I was going to the Fringe (didn't happen the way I'd expected), I was in a boring Full time job (not there now) and I still lived fairly innocently and most of it just seems to be lying the other way around now. How can 10 months change so much!?

So, I last posted in February. After February, came March and after that was April and that is when I turned 23. As a 23 year old, you don't expect it to be a massive affair. As an age, 23 is just an age and not one that needs masses of fanfare, but I was working all day. It had to be the most depressing birthday EVER. That was one thing that made me think "perhaps this job isn't my future". I tried to drive home the fact to management that I didn't want to do any of the hard stuff that day. I just wanted to do the easy jobs. Unfortunately though, working in an understaffed (not now though, I hear), sales-driven electricals retailer doesn't lend itself to easy jobs all that often. I think that was the point in which everything started to go downhill. I kept at it, taking holidays and days off wherever I could, while in the pursuit of other ventures. I was fairly checked out until the day I handed in my notice (5 months later).

In those 5 months though, I got to go to the Fringe! BUT, not in my one man show. That is a dream still to be recognised. No, I went to the Fringe with my favourite group of people; Youth Music Theatre Scotland in a new-ish piece called "Stick Stock Stone Dead". The road there was by no means easy (3 dropouts in 2 days and a shit load of grumbling) but when we completed it, it was the best ride ever. I lost my phone and my wallet for about 3 days and that really marred the experience for me. I was working under the impression that someone had nicked it, due to the staff at the venue telling me it had happened before. The phone and wallet literally turned up in the middle of the room on the last day having turned the place upside down every day hence! Nut bush, but a happy ending.

In September, the Copland family had a lot of sadness when my Nana, my great-gran who I've mentioned in previous blogs, passed away at the amazing age of 96. It was a really difficult time for us all. My Dad was in part raised by this amazing, interesting woman and her passing hit him really hard. It was letting go of the past for him in many ways and I think this connection to his childhood was one that proved difficult to try and part with. The time between her passing and her funeral was a really strange one. I was strangely cheery. I think the reason, certainly for me felt like a part of me had gone with her. I suppose it was the part that worried for her and the part that suffered with her in those final months. In fact, the night she died, an hour or two after, I wrote this. This hasn't been edited at all, it was just exactly how I felt in that moment.

"The initial shock feels like dry slow motion water. Rises from your shoulders and lurks in the air and floats around your head. Eventually it washes you clean and new and you feel like a different person. The emotions begin to process and it’s as if the part of the person that you held deep within you, is let loose; like a feeling of pain or discomfort fades suddenly and you’re left with a pleasant void. That part of them that you held close is allowed to ascend into the Ether. What was the present, is now the past, and what remains, are memories; are every single thing you ever felt for that person."

A lot of it, probably doesn't make much sense, but that's how I felt in the moment. Reading it back is strange, but when I do, I'm right back there. Her funeral was a sad experience too. I'd never been to a funeral before, but as family, we got to go in the funeral limo which I thought was very nice, until I realised we'd be following behind a hearse with her coffin in it. That was very tough and not something I'd expected. During the service itself, I got really upset pretty much from the moment the minister handed me the order of service and when they played her favourite songs. It was so strange though. As soon as the service was over, I felt fine. Still a bit shaky, but it genuinely felt like the bit of me that still held onto sadness floated away. I think about her every single day and I always smile because she was funny without meaning to be. I even have her bookshelf. I'll give it to my great grandson. That's what I was to her, you see!

Just before my Nana died, I was offered a new job which spoke to me in every single way. Basically I was being offered a beginner package in writing as a kind of way into freelance theatre work. It was PERFECT, but sense was starting to get the better of me and I thought it best to stay at my current job because I thought it was secure, honest work. In truth, my job had been on the line on more than one occasion because of performance in said job. After my Nana passed away and the funeral was done, I was coming home after a particularly shitty day and trying to psyche myself up to calling and turning down the job offer and I had a moment of "why don't I just take it?". It took me about 2 seconds to decide to take the job. I got home and gleefully accepted the job and handed in my notice the next day, a year to the day that I had started training with the company. My Nana had put it all in perspective for me. Life is too short. Okay, my Nana was 96 when she passed but what's 96 years in the grand scheme of life? Not an awful lot. We're all just drops in the water. The trick is to make as big a motherfucking splash as is humanly possible.

Since taking the job life has been infinitely better. I'm writing every day, learning every day and I'm currently enjoying some down time until after Christmas - my favourite time of the year! So ask me this year how I felt this time last year and the answer would more than likely be "SHITE" whereas, ask me now how I feel and the answer is "despite being single, I'm the happiest I've been in a long time". Also, in that time, a dream was recognised when I got to play Sweeney Todd in a production of, you guessed it, "Sweeney Todd". Such a difficult experience. I will truly never be the same again!

I hope this is more uplifting than some of my previous entries. Obviously there was a whole section about death, but from that comes a new chapter. Always look on the bright side of life, as they say. It may not always be easy to see the sun behind the cloud, but you just have to know that it's lurking somewhere.

Happy Whatever-It-Is-You-Celebrate-This-Time-Of-Year and best wishes for 2013!

Love,

Paul xx

READING CORNER:
I genuinely wish I could tell you the last book I started and finished. I used to be such an avid reader, but it's fallen by the wayside because I can never get properly immersed in a book. I think the last book I finished was "The Humourist" by Russell Kane (which I got him to sign at the Fringe!). It's a great read! Very funny, very strange and very clever. Also rather gory, so maybe not the best if you're quite sensitive in stomach. I'm currently reading "How To Be A Woman" by Caitlin Moran because she's amazing and funny. She makes me want to be a feminist. I don't know what I'll read next. Maybe I'll persevere and read "The Hobbit" all the way through and not skip whole chunks like I did when I was child. Bad me!

WRITING CORNER:
Well this is new! This is my job now, so it's fun to say what i'm working on, if that interests you. I'm currently working on something I can only describe as "Project Jack AZ". It's a coming of age story but without most of the angst you'll find in other coming of age stories. It draws a lot of influence from "Catcher in the Rye" and the first chapter had to be the first chapter because it's the only part I could allow to bear any relation to it! It's very exciting. Several people have read the Preface and have liked it thus far. I'm happy that I'm doing something right. I'll try and persevere with it and hopefully on the next blog have more exciting developments.

Know that way when you just get driven to do something?

Well, that's what this blog is.

I've not done this in ages! It's not been a conscious effort to ignore you dear blog, but when did I last post? April 20th 2011 or something like that? That was a while agoo. What's happened in that time?

1. I turned 22. Woop. Not much fanfare!
2. I was on the dole a whole lot.
3. I worked over the summer.
4. I went on holiday with the family afterwards.
5. I wrote a one man play shortly before;
6. FINALLY GETTING A JOB.
7. Worked hard at said job, didn't feel much in the way of appreciation until about last week.
8. My Gran went into hospital at the end of September and is still there now. Sad times.
9. I read The Hunger Games and Catching Fire, about to start Mockingjay.
10. Christmas came and went again. I hate working in retail for that.

What ones should I deal with? 5? I thought you might say that!

So I decided to write something. I've always had the urge and I've probably even talked about it

on here. In fact, did I not post a sample here? I did.

I wrote it shortly before visiting the annual Edinburgh Fringe, which, if you don't know, is a big stromache of culture, theatre, art, music, comedy etc. Effectively, amazingness personified over 3 weeks. I was seeing one of my best mates in his play about a couple of pals who were into boxing, but had an attraction to one another, which, of course, what with being boxing, a brusque, manly sport, it wasn't something that was discussed with tremendous ease. Very intense, very bold. I enjoyed! Sitting in that little, amazing theatre, I decided there and then that I wanted to be there the following year. I met up with a friend to see the show and afterwards, we decided to get a bottle of wine and go to her boyfriends flat, get merry and then go watch his improv, which we did (improv is incredible while wasted, FYI) and proceeded to get even merrier and the atmosphere was ELECTRIC. Surrounded by likeminded people, having a laugh over nothing with complete strangers, the rain, the drink, the company; EVERYTHING was perfect.

The next day, while nursing a hangover from hell, I knew this was where I wanted to be next year. I decided that I would be.

The following day (my mum's birthday) I had a job interview for a shop the next town over from me and didn't think very much about it at all. After all, it was a job interview. Not the first one I'd had while unemployed. But wouldn't you know it, I got the job and started working full time. My ambitions were on hold, for now. Diluted disappointment. (I had the job, a steady flow of money, but not what I wanted to be doing.)

What's the play even about, I hear you ask?

WELL. As I mentioned, I wrote it before I got the job, so I was quite despondent by this point and not really expecting any miracles, but I had this nagging, gnawing sense that I'd have to take whatever was coming my way because I didn't have any choice in the matter. I didn't even know what my super-ambition was. That's what my play would be about. A young man who's doing something because he has to, but at the same time, doesn't fully know what he hopes to achieve. Effectively, I wrote a version of myself. I won't give too much away about it, come and see for yourself between the 3rd and 14th of August at 4:50pm at Cafe Renroc, Edinburgh. Admission's free.

What made me decide to look at it again? I may not be the only person in the world to feel like this, but I don't get the satisfaction I'd like from my job. I'm firmly doing it because I have no other option and I'm not stupid or foolhardy enough to quit because I can, so I'll stay. It made me think of Cole (my one man in the one man play) again and I suddenly realised that, with a bit of a tweak (my plan for this week), this could be brilliant, because BOOM. Art had imitated life completely by accident.

Everything else at the moment is okay....can't complain. I've got the week off of work this week and want to make the most of it, but how?! It's times like this where I have all the time in the world that I'd love someone to share it with. Oh well.

Peace out folks!

Pxx

PS: The play's called "Sequins and Disillusions: The Life of a Prematurely Desolate Boy".

Ghosts and the paranormal.

Evening again. Two today! You lucky people. Did you like the bit of story? Let me know!

So this blog is about something my Gran and I were talking about earlier. It was in confidence but you don't know who my Gran is and she'll never know I'm talking about her. Unless you tell her. So, don't. Please? Thanks.

A few blogs ago, I mentioned that my Great Aunty Norma passed away. My Gran went to the funeral with my aunty and uncle and in the end, I didn't go. Neither did most of my family. My sister was expecting bambino #2, so it wasn't too convenient sadly.

I was with my Gran today and she was talking about after the funeral and how she got changed into her pyjamas and made herself a cup of tea and was just sitting and it was really the first time since the funeral that she'd had a chance to sit down and she started crying, as I think she would because she's just had to say goodbye to her little sister. When she was sitting, crying she said aloud "I wish there was some way you could show me you're with me". At that moment, a little teddy that she had bought my Gran, which sat quite securely by the television, toppled over very slowly and at that moment, she felt instantly comforted. I don't know about you, but that story gave me a chill.

Another instance that I heard of was about 7 years ago, when a girl in my English class passed away quite suddenly and unexpectedly. Her death hit the school quite hard and nobody could quite believe it. Even 7 years down the line, I still think of her. We weren't friends, but we didn't dislike each other, it was just what it was. I was quite good friends with her best friend and she let me read an essay she wrote about her and it was an instance similar to the one above. My friend had gone to her funeral and, in her room, even before she died, was a framed picture of the 2 of them with another friend which had always stood fairly securely. When she returned home, the photo was face down on the shelf.

Things like what I've described just lead me to believe that we are never alone and the people who truly touch our lives, are never gone.

What do you all think? Is there some truth to be found in the supernatural or the "after-life"?

Paul xx

Anybody want a sampler of my writing?

I couldn't think of anything witty and informative to write about so who wants a chunk of writing from an up and coming story called "The Consequences of Envy"? Your thoughts, honest preferably, are most welcome. Constructive criticism will be taken, but I will not accept "it's just shite" as criticism.

Enjoy.

The work below is the intellectual property of Paul Copland and should not be copied, imitated or reproduced under ANY circumstances.

Katherina Bartolozzi stepped out of the chauffeur driven vehicle. With an air all too common of people in her profession, she surveyed the surroundings and surmised that she should tolerate this dreadful town because it was necessary.

In the distance, great chimneys spewed plumes of smoke and ash and their stench hung in the air like some unwanted caller; all too apparent and not at all welcome.

She looked up at the brick nightmare which stood in front of her.

This is my home from now on, she mused.

The "Burnside Palladium" in no way, shape or form lived up to the grandeur of its title. Its pale brickwork faded easily into the depression of the surrounding buildings and didn't offer any optimism for this latest venture into the complex world of opera. But, the contract was signed, the deal agreed and she realised that obligations must be honored, regardless of status, if she was to work again.

As she turned around to tip the driver, she heard a shuffling of footsteps and a younger man sidled towards her, his hair thinning and his cheeks, flushed. He offered his hand to Katherina.

"Good afternoon, ma'am! What a pleasure it is to receive you at the Burnside Palladium!" beamed the young man.

"Ahhh, you must be the man responsible for my bags until we get to the hotel." Not taking a second thought, she made her way towards the glass panelled doors of the theatre.

"Oh, no no no no ma'am, you are mistaken! I am Peter Crandall and I am the general manager of the Burnside Palladium!" he flourished, clearly very proud of his title. Whether the title was newly bestowed was anyone's guess. "I PERSONALLY requested that our director consider you for the role of Mimi in 'La Boheme'!"

"I see! Well Monsieur Crandall," she said with almost sickening affectation "I do thank you kindly for your considering me suitable for the role, a role which I have performed on more than one occasion for some of the FINEST opera companies across Europe. I'm sure this occasion will be just as well produced as the other three were." Katherina turned on her heel and made her way through the glass doors with a flourish.

The interior of the foyer in no way matched the outward exterior.

She was greeted with a sumptuous feast of rich reds and gold finishings. Above her head hung a beautiful, golden chandelier. For the first time this afternoon, she was duly impressed at the magnificent grandeur she was accustomed to.

© Paul Copland. 2011

You like?

Paul xx

Fancied doing a blog tonight

I think it's gonna be a general ramble which will, of course, blossom into a full fledged moan.

So I went for that audition. Fail. Enough said. Still, it's another experience with other people.

At this point in time, I feel like I have 2 main gripes on my mind; weight and unemployment.

I'll go with weight first.

Tonight, my mum, dad, brother and I visited my sister in Leuchars because her husband was working back-shift or something. I didn't pay attention to the details that much but it's not important. It's on the way back I'm thinking of. It's become a daily occurrence for my mum to have a go at me about my weight and, all the better when my dad's there, because he pipes in about his heart problems which are a genuine concern obviously. Apparently heart problems are hereditary so I've got that to look forward to. But he's like "Oh I was never your weight! You'll be lucky if you see 50!" which is something everyone wants to hear from their father. So that's a concern.

Then my mum came out with something which seemed to cap her ranting. She was like "OH I CAN'T STAND WATCHING YOU KILL YOURSELF!" Never has she uttered something so strong at me, ever. So I was a wee bit taken aback. But my natural response is to bat back with something unfunny and out of time and inappropriate. I said "it's not like I'm addicted to heroin! I would understand your concern if that were truly the case." So I was fairly taken aback. The thing is, I don't see how I keep gaining weight. I really don't. Boredom is a source of a lot of my calories just now, so I could certainly see the logic. But I don't think I'm killing myself. Am I?

Who knows. All I know is I'm too wound up to talk about unemployment now. So, I'll enjoy the rest of Glee then look forward to Eastenders on BBC3 at 10pm.

Au revoir, mes enfants!

Paul xx

Musings

So today, I did something that I wasn't totally sure about doing.

I put myself up for the UK Tour of Spring Awakening.

Hmm.

I may regret this decision already.

For those of you who don't know [you mean I didn't tell EVERYONE?! I swear, November and December 2008 were spent telling people my rags to almost riches story.] in 2008 I was one of the final 2 candidates for the role of Otto in Spring Awakening. This was an amazing time in my life that I still smile about now. It didn't really turn into much, I had a couple of auditions with the same people afterwards and such, but nothing really concrete.

I learned a lot about myself during that time; that I tended to put myself down a lot, think none too highly of myself as a performer and just moan about the littlest things and panic that I would never make it. On the flip side, nothing happened until January the next year and I felt fucking IMMORTAL. Like I was untouchable and the minute I chose to pursue my dream, that was the moment in which I would almost certainly fly to west-end stardom.

Needless to say, that didn't happen.

My hesitations for not putting myself up for this go back a ways. Since September 2008 (when I first auditioned) I've thought about it at least once a week. There were even times where I thought about it every day and couldn't really get it out of my head. People always say that when it comes to auditioning the first cut is the deepest. I.e. once you get past that first rejection, you're good to go. This is where it might sound arrogant, I give you fair warning. Most people on their first auditioning experience don't get that far. People didn't comprehend that I was hurting because, after each and every audition, I built myself up to a humongous fall. I allowed myself to think that so soon into my experience, this was my time. I was OWED it for some reason.

It's now March 2011 and I can remember every single aspect of that experience. Dates, times, feelings, emotions, people I met, what those people are doing now, people I went with, people I saw, places I saw. The list goes on and on and on. In truth, I only really just started moving on with my life. I dwell on the past too much. So my hesitations come from not wanting to revisit that and be disappointed. I feel like opportunities may lie beyond Spring Awakening.

One creed I have always lived by is "everything happens for a reason". So who's to say that the original Spring Awakening experience wasn't just a precursor to this one? I mean, let's be fair. I got pretty close last time, didn't I? I did. So why not give it a bash, taking on board everything I know now, ALL of my life experience, all that I learned from that September in London and just give them it? Stick it to them ROUGH and see where it gets me?

Fortunately, that's what I'm going with.

As I said, I only asked about an audition. They may be full up, which would render this entire blog completely useless. But I had to get my feelings out. For as long as this blog is, it hasn't taken me that long to type it. These are feelings that have been bottled for ages, because I'm afraid people won't want to listen, and know what? They may not. But if you've gotten this far down the page and not scarpered after the first line, thank you. Thank you for letting me gibber and I hope you can understand how my mind works. In all its obsessive glory.

Thoughts?

Night all.

Paul xx