Time for a blog rant.

So why is it that I make myself available for friends and they wouldn't do the same for me?

I do it all the fucking time and there is literally no response ever. I think there's about 4 people in my life at the moment I can count on. It's a shame that I can count them on one hand.

So here, to me, is what it means to be a friend.
1) Available. Not neccessarily all the time, because who can be available all the time?
2) I really can't think of a second one. Probably because there shouldn't be any more to it than that.

I truly don't know what more to say. I REALLY hope people read this and take a thought. There are few people who are truly real. There are some who just aren't and I'm in a really horrible place even thinking about it.

I'm going away for 10 months and they can't even spare an evening? I've only known them, what 6 years?

Eternally yours and pissed off.
Paul.

IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN *DOODLEDOOOO DOODLEDOOHOOHOO!*

Hey y'all again.

I don't like how this has been so infrequent. But I've been busy (not really, I've been unemployed).

As is usual with when I write these blogs, it's 1:09am at the time of writing the time. Meaning it's *officially* October 1st. Meaning that it's 2 weeks today until I flyyyyy!

My family, as wonderfully scatty and harebrained as ever organised an early Christmas especially for me. Which was lovely, bittersweet and just wonderful all round. The brief (haha brief) was to do a secret Santa where the challenge was to give each other gifts for £3. My dad had me and he gave me a Taurus horoscope forecast for the next 15 months. I've not had a chance to have a proper read thru it yet, but I will do, starting tonight (more about reading things below).

ANYWAY! I was flicking thru it and allow me to read you some rather encouraging passages about October.
"Around the 18th, [3 days after I leave, dunno if this is good or bad, I read it as good] when Venus enters into a favourable relationship with the Sun, you will feel aware of what you can and can't do."
Another section I find encouraging is this one on work and money.
"Between the 17th and the 20th you can use your contacts to gain leverage." I like the sound of that!

So little tidbits like that are encouraging me. I do believe horoscopes and I know that loads of people read them as phooey. Each to their own and all that. I once read one before I went to drama camp (I know, right?!), and it said something along the lines of "your week will be full of creative fulfillment". No shit sherlock! Of course it would be, I'd be with fellow mentalist and people who are, by nature, exuberant and needless to say it was an epic week which was creatively fulfilling. Since then, I've been really interested and always listened intently to what they had to say, unless it was in a shitey magazine. Best o' gear for me!

So what do I hope to achieve when I'm gone? Happiness, new beginnings, so much. I don't want to come home with nothing to show for my effort, and BELIEVE ME, there is gonna be effort. I'm not gonna waste my time like I do here. I'm going out to a spectacular country and I intend to make the very most of it! Scottish, overweight, generally defective Paul is dead from the moment I get on that first plane. I am so ready for change. SO READY!

I feel some kind of power ballad coming on, so I should definitely round this off.

LOVE TO ALL!

Paul xxx

PS: Book corner. I can't go too much into detail or I'll be here all night, but if you have a theatrical bone in your body, you should read "Patti LuPone: A Memoir". SO much of any interest in there for anyone. So many perspectives on acting, so many amazing stories from an amazing career, so much candid honesty. Just amazing. But please note, it cost me $25.00 to get it here, so there will be no loans. LOVE YOU ALL. I said that. Meh. Plenty love to go around.

This week....

I will mostly be doing the following;

Tomorrow (Tuesday 24th Aug) I'm hitting the Fringe! This was *meant* to be happening on sunday but the man-flu put paid to that. Thanks man-flu. However, plans have changed slightly. We're still going to see Spring Awakening (which I've n0 doubt, I'll get all bitter and complain about!) but we were also gonna see Caroline Rhea's stand up. Which I've since decided against. Caroline Rhea is probably better known, well better known to me anyway, as Aunt Hilda from Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I'm not too sure why I decided against it. That makes me sound hella selfish because there's 2 of us going, I just didn't fancy it too much and my pal I'm going with is very reasonable. I now sound like a prize tosser. SO! We're gonna see Edges. I've heard lots about the show and that it's apparently quite good. So WAYY!

For the rest of the week, I've decided to do something I probably should've done absolutely ages ago. I'm gonna compile an audition folio. As someone who's been claiming to be an out-of-work actor, I haven't really done anything to make myself an in-work actor. In 2 years I've had very few opportunities, and in fairness, I haven't really gone out of my way to get them. BAD PAUL. So I don't blame anyone bar myself for lack of progress. As I realised not so long ago, only I can control my destiny. True words. So, I'm not gonna dwell on getting the opportunities here anymore.

BECAAAUUSE!;

I got an email this morning from an acting agency in Oz this morning saying that they would be happy to audition me when I arrive! FUCKING SCOREEEE!!!! SO! Part of my decision to up my audition folio is so that I'm prepared with whatever they ask for. So here's what I'm thinking.

Songs.

1) Musical Theatre - ballad

2) Musical Theatre - uptempo (something Jason Robert Brown?)

3) Musical Theatre - something funny

4) Rock - driving song (Meat Loaf? Creed?)

5) Rock - ballad (Creep.)

6) Rock - easy uptempo (Paolo and his new shoes all the way.)

7) Pop - ballad (Suddenly by Angry Anderson in a key or 2 lower?)

8) Pop - uptempo (Just Haven't Met You Yet - Bublé, gotta be.)

Monologues.

1) Funny

2) Shakespearean

3) Serious

4) Contemporary

NB - I need extra help with monologues so answers on a postcard please.

So I'm thoroughly career driven just now. Which is ace. I don't wanna land in Australia come October and achieve SFA (sweet fuck all).

I don't know what more there is to say except my new joint favourite song is "Stoney End" by Barbra Streisand. I don't know how proper it is for a boy to sing it. I don't think there's anything quintessentially femme about it. That and Suddenly by Angry Anderson are fast becoming the most played.

I don't think there's anything else to say for tonight.

OH yeah. Congrats to Kimmeh! Whatever happens, you KEN i'm rooting for you! Sushi's on me :). (her twitter is http://www.twitter.com/KimShepherd_ so give her a follow!)

Peace and love.
Paul xx

PS. I got a new camera from my mum and dad for going away and I couldn't resist playing with it before then. So here's a sample of the quality. I'm most impressed.

Just blogging for blogs sake.

Hiya all.

There's not much to say today.

I was looking forward to a fringe trip but that is not happening because I have man-flu. A rather not nice turn of it, no lyin'.

Friday night, my nose was seizing up like it does when you have a cold emerging, I thought it was hayfever until my nose ran all day. It seemed to get better around tea-time yesterday, then by night time it was blocked and I was feeling woozy. I blamed all the meds I was taking. I don't think it had anything to do with the meds, but I still felt awful.

I woke up following a horrendous sleep with a sore throat that saw to it that whenever I swallowed, it felt like someone was attacking my velum (get me with my college talk) with a stanley knife AND, for one final beautiful turn, my ear hurts whenever I swallow. I hate my body.

However, the diet and stuff kickstarts tomorrow. I've got 2 litres of Coca Cola with Cherry to plow through, which I'll do today no doubt. It's diet juice from tomorrow onwards if anything. I think I'll start drinking water again, I went thru this amazing stage where I was voluntarily drinking about 2 pints of water. It's still not enough, but it's a start I reckon.

I do have a confession though readers. I've developed what many would consider to be a worrying obsession. That sounds like a G&S song. I HATE G&S. But yeah.
So here goes.
I'm so sorry.
But I'm totally back into wrestling. It's so amazing! I've even gone as far as to buy a DVD. And yes, I know what you're saying, I should be saving money blah blah blah! But I can't help myself. My personality is really obsessive so it might shift and just settle on the next obsession, but it's not happening at the moment. I just love it. I don't know what more I can say about it.

I think I might start "The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets' Nest" today. It depends how much longer I plan on feeling sorry for myself though.

Peace and love.
Paul xx

So much happened....

Since I last blogged...sorry.... :(

I can't believe I took so long to post again. It's not because I've had a lack of anything interesting to say. The complete opposite to be honest. I've done so frickety much that it's not even real. I could summarise in a list, but why the hell would I do that? I am a nightowl. It's my job to type wayyy into the night!

I just checked and the last time I blogged was a week into the Stirling production of Billy Elliot. Ahhhhh. Such good times on the most part. One of the things I noticed quite surprisingly was that even in Youth Theatre practices, staff find time to develop egos. That pisses me off beyond all measure. As staff working on a project at the magnitude of Billy Elliot, our role as practitioners is to support, nourish and encourage and I find it sad when that gets ignored. Very sad indeed. I shall say no more on the matter, because I stopped moaning about the Billy Elliot happenings when I put the prompt copy in my wardrobe never to see the light of day again! So aye, project was a success, and the kids had a ball! I also got to spend loads of time with friends surprisingly during that time which I didn't think I'd get. So plusses all round says this observer!

So Billy was my July basically, Started end of June and finished on July 31st. I did a wee helping on RENT: School's Edition so that meant that my YMTS summer officially wrapped on August 2nd 2010. (Sidebar: Does anyone else hear Handel's Messiah in the distance?!)

I had a whole garden shebang that had to be cancelled though. Gutted. Not got the staff or money though so it's a matter that was more or less out of my hands sadly. Hopefully happening before the end of my Scottish tenure though, so watch this space.

Speaking of Scottish tenure, my flights are officially BOOKED! I leave on October 15th 2010 at 16:40 from Edinburgh Airport and travel for about 2 days. EESHK! But worth it I'm sure you'll agree.

Although, it's wacky. I can't think of it for too long because I do get really genuinely upset. The truth is, I'm desperate to get out of here, I've made no secret of that. I'm gonna miss my family, my parents my brother and sister, grandparents blah blah blah. But I'm gonna miss my nephew the most. I can't explain what it is. At the moment (admittedly only for another 3 or 4 weeks) it's just him and my sister and my sister tries her best with him, she really does. But today for instance, she asked me to look after him while she went for a shower so I thought, okay, he doesn't require much in the way of looking after (not in a negligent way, he's quite self sufficient for a 6 month old!) so I grabbed my juice and my book (which I'll talk about later on =D) and sat on the sofa while he was playing with his toys in his little cushion fortress. And every so often he would turn around and look at me with his big blue eyes and smile at me from behind his dummy. I don't know why but when he did it, I was instantly filled with something, it had the same connotations as pity, but it wasn't pity, it was probably regret that I wasn't gonna be with him for so long. Love? I don't know what it was. Anyway, I felt my heart break at that moment and I sat with him and just watched him play and played along where necessary and it got me really emotional. I just don't want him to be lonely, which I don't think he will be before long. He's just such a good kid, I'd hate to not be there for him if he needed me. I'm literally on the verge of the tearies writing this because "Objects In The Rear View Mirror..." by Meat Loaf came on on my iPod and it's the song I was listening to when he was born, it's a sad-ish song so all this stuff adding together makes me really sad.

Anyway, I'll wipe my tears and soldier on!

Reading Corner!
So, over the summer I was a reading machine. I read shit loads of books I reckon. Well, more than I normally cram into a summer. Actually, thinking about it, it was only four...
Anyway! Those were;

1) The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath.

2) The Wizard of Oz - L. Frank Baum.

3) The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo - Stieg Larsson.

4) The Girl Who Played with Fire - Stieg Larsson.

1) Bell Jar. Hmm. It's a "cult classic" of a book, but it doesn't do much for the morale of the reader. I enjoyed parts of it, but I think I read it mostly because it was one of those "have-to-read-before-you-die" dealies. Good if you like that sort of thing. Otherwise, it might be a bit snoozy.

2) The Wizard of Oz was just plain lovely. It's a nice wee read, not particularly taxing because it's a children's book with pictures! Bangin'! I think I expected it to be epically complicated because of how complicated Wicked is. But no it was lovely and I'd recommend it to anyone. (I know I said in a previous blog that I was gonna reread Wicked. Fuck that. Faaaar too boring.)

3) The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Now THERE'S a gripping read. Absolutely fucking fantastic! Well written characters, tangible plot, mind melting, always frustrating mysteries but always engaging! I'd say for me, as an avid reader, it was perfect. It's probably on the way to being the next Da Vinci code with the Hollywood movie adap. in production with Daniel Craig, which means that it'll have a juggernaut of hype probably along less tweeny lines than Twilight. However, it was originally written in Swedish which means that the translation into English is sometimes a bit literal, once you get used to that, it's a beast of a read. It also drags up a whole load of questions. The central protagonist is Mikael Blomkvist and if I understand rightly, he's the literary representation of the late author himself. He makes a living exposing corrupt heads of big business much like the author did himself. There's an overwhelming undercurrent of wondering who to trust, but seriously, if you read one thing in 2010 (and you've finished Twilight ;D) let it be this!!!

4) The Girl Who Played with Fire is the follow on. A completely different story but concerning the same characters and introducing some new ones along the way. What this book does well is tells more about the mysterious Lisbeth Salander who is one of the memorable characters from the preceding outing. Sadly common of sequels is that it doesn't quite live up to it's predeccessor. The plot isn't always as satisfyingly conclusive as the first book, but it is still gripping prose. I'm told that the 3rd book (which is waiting patiently by my bedside to be read) is more or less a continuation of this book which doesn't fill me with much hope. I can't see how the story can conclude over ANOTHER 700-odd pages, considering that 'Fire' was 569 pages in length. We shall see! I shall approach it with an open mind. I should also point out that I finished this book 4 hours ago. It took me longer than the first one because I was on holiday when the first one was being read so I devoted all my time to it.

Another point I should make about Dragon Tattoo is that I was ready to give it up after just over 100 pages. I was advised not to, which I'm glad of! The Swedish movie adaptation of the first is out on DVD and the next one is about to go to the cinema (i'm sure there'll be subtitles though so dinnae worry!) and if the first one is anything to go by, then the 2nd'll be a CRACKA! Such a good film. Noomi Rapace is Salander in a nutshell. Honest. Watch it and LOVE IT!

I think I've said enough for this evening.
Sleep well.
Peace and love.
Paul xx

This is a blog.

Am I legally obliged to post on ye all the time? 'Cause time is something I don't have in abundance at the moment! I'm rushing about like a blue arsed fly up Stirling way! Billy Elliot is going AMAZINGLY.

Watching those kids at work is beyond inspirational. One kid in particular, watching him grow and learn is just brilliant. They have such bright futures and are all exceptional! I can't stop smiling, and with it being a show such as Billy Elliot, it's impossible to not get swept up in the emotion of it all. I feel myself welling up on a daily basis! Emotionally stable and unhealthy? most likely! But it doesn't stop me loving it!

I'm writing this and listening to the goings on in the next room, nothing shady! But my little nephew, Alfie has recently discovered that he can change the noise that come out of his mouth by moving his lips. So instead of a straightforward "ahhhhhhhh" these days it's a "mahmahmah". Gotta love them at that age. He's also getting over chicken pox. It's gonna be great when he gets to nursery. I can see it now;

Nursery Nurse: Aww Alfie. Where are your friends?
Alfie: They're at home. Pox. Total bitch likes.

Nursery Nurse: Why are you not bothered by them?
Alfie: I got over dat' shit like 3 years ago? Old news my friend. Old news.

Okay, so Alfie probably won't speak gangster. But it would be amazing if he did.

Australia is still happening. Not much happening yet though, still just have to book flights. The date is set and the visa good to go!

Also, Eclipse is at the cinema. I've seen it twice....so far. I'll go see it another few times.

What else...hmm. This is my only day off for the next 3 weeks. It's lovely lying horizontally all day. I wish someone else was lying horizontally next to me though. Gutted. LOL.

This week, I've finished 2 books. Impressive yes? I finished off "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath and started and finished "The Wizard of Oz" by L. Frank Baum. The latter was fantastico! While the former was not so much.

The book of "WoO" is so different from the film. So much more happened in the book than in the film and the Dorothy character was clearly changed and developed for Judy Garland because Dorothy in the book is a selfish little girl who's singular vision is to get home. Fuck the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman and the Lion. As long as she gets home that's the main thing. Still very good. 189 pages and I nailed it in 3 days. It's a new record for me. It is a kids book and there were pictures. But the print was small. So I've decided to read "Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West" again. Although, that's a bitch to try and write, so I'll just call it "Wicked". I read "Wicked" first when I was about 16 or 17 and it's fair to say I didn't take an awful lot in because it was so difficult. So I'm hoping that because I'm older it'll make a bit more sense!

"The Bell Jar" is okay. To be honest, I think if my attitude towards many of the topics and themes covered in the novel were different, then I'd feel a bit different about the character and the events that cause her to make the decisions she makes. But as it stands, those attitudes remain the same, so I don't feel neither here nor there about her.

I think I've said enough for now. What I'd really like for my saturday to go off a treat is the following;

a bath with my book, a McDonalds for my tea and a bottle of Lambrini. That sounds lovely.

I thank you and wish you all a happy weekend.

Paul xx

I almost forgot again!

This is persistence. I just managed to delete the whole original draft. But instead of throwing this computer out of the window in a blind range. I'm going to calm and collectively, start again. *deep breaths*

SO!

I'm writing this with the use of InPrivate browsing. It's a nifty little function and it comes in handy because I'm using my brother's computer, which is very kind of him! I know for a fact, though, if he was reading this he'd have a fricking field day. It's the same with facebook. I have every member of my immediate family on facebook, mum, dad, brother and sister and the latter two are HELLISH! Every so often my sister'll say something along the lines of "who were you talking about in that status?" or my brother will go "who is that person and are you..." You get the jist. It's a pain in the ass. Which is why I use Twitter more, none of my family are on it, except my brother but he doesn't use it. He's not much into the social network bit, except for farmville and every other shitty ville you can find on facebook. Pain in the ass.

So anyways, this InPrivate browsing lark. It's quite good. Especially in this instance. But I do worry you know. Imagine if a pedo was using InPrivate. Would they be able to hide what they were doing or do you reckon there's some kind of loophole? Has to be eh?

So I'm really excited for Doctor Who on saturday night! I've watched last weeks episode 4 times now. SAD HAT! I wasn't really enjoying the series until I put the episodes and made myself pay proper attention. That was when I was able to properly appreciate it!

I got a great email thru this morning confirming that my Visa application had been accepted! I filled in the form yesterday morning and by the afternoon I had fully applied so the process has been really fast. I'm SO excited now I can't even verbalise. But at the same time I reckon if I was planning this over a number of months, I'd be getting nervous and it's only at times like this where if I slow down, I'd probably regret it instantly. Well, maybe not regret it because it's a spectacular opportunity (and it's cost me £235! more on that below...), but I have to take stock of what I'll miss. I'll miss my nephews first birthday, I'll miss the birth of a new niece or nephew. Sad sad sad. But then this is what photos and phones are for eh? And with the invention of things like Skype and webcam, I can see them all! Which is good. It'd be silly of me to miss out. I'd get used to it I reckon.

Now, the £235. I filled in all the neccessary questioning yesterday morning and I'm pretty sure it didn't mention anything about a fee. As I said, I filled it in nicely and everything and about 2 hours later I got the phonecall where they confirm everything and it has to be said that the woman was less than helpful, totally reading off of a script. Never mind though. As she was talking about the conditions of the Visa she then said "we'll also process your payment just now as well". I kinda went "erm...okay. Just out of interest, how much is that?

"£235."

I believe my answer was something along the lines of "WOAHHHHHH can you phone me back maybe?". She phoned me back about 2 hours later and I paid it, but it's safe to say, I'm in Overdraft City! But it's done and it's definitely happening. In the words of Phoebe Buffay; "eeshk!"

I don't think I have muchos more to say!

Much love to you all!

Paul xx

Just testing this for difficulty!

This is a test blog from the phone.

Seems to work no bad!

Read tomorrow for me yammering in more details about my adventure down under!

Much love to you all! 'Cept you. (sidebar; why do I keep saying that?)

Paul xx

The Madness in Mundanity

That is a rather genius phrase coined by Russell Howard. Basically meaning finding the oddities to be found in nothingness essentially.

It's what comes of working at home. The madness isn't really in mundanity. The madness is in my head! I find that I've fallen into a routine of going to bed at an hour I used to think was late. 3 or 4am usually. It's funny though when you think about it. When I had a normal sleeping pattern, well normal like falling asleep at 11 or 12 o'clock, waking up at 3 or 4am to go to the loo was absolute madness! Now, it's nothing. Sunlight pokes through the blinds and makes it strangely depressing to fall asleep.

Because I've fallen asleep so late, I usually wake up equally as late, at say 12pm unless I wake up before that through sheer guilt.

I don't know if I can blame the sleep pattern for this or if it's just me, but when everyone's gone I talk to myself, plan out my career, tell myself and either the loose women or Jonafun Woss what I'm up to at the moment (in the future).

Okay, it seems mental.

Granted, it is quite mental. But what it gives me is a clear sense of direction, of where I want to go in the future. So to the people who don't know me, it probably is mental. But in my head, it's ambition. It makes me ambitious and determined and I've lost my way in terms of ambition of late, but that all changes with this Australia trip.

I know exactly what I want to do. Isn't that a unique quality? It's taken me so long to get there. SO SO long.

So, am I mad?

Probably!

Oh well. Till the next time babes.

Paul xx

I'm usually rubbish at blogging and posting.

So the plan is to not be! Seems simple enough eh?

Probably not though. As I mentioned in the about me section, I am quite an extreme person. I always think the most extreme of any situation or feel the most extreme way any person probably would in that situation. It's not a conscious thing, it just happens, be it relationshipping, getting on a bus late at night, ambitions in life etc etc.

I think the fact that I'm quite extreme should make for some interesting reading. Or, on t'other coin face, you'll be able to look at this and go "shiiiit, I've got my problems, but nout like this guy!" It would please me if you had that reaction, because then I'd have unconsciously helped your life in some way.

In my actual little profile bitty it says I'm an OOWA (an Out Of Work Actor). I'm not properly actively seeking acting work. I'll occasionally send an email to a casting agent or an agent if something interesting comes up, but I do some admin work with my youth theatre....which is fine....when I get it. No fun. Acting is the super-ambition.

That's most likely the word for it. Super-ambition. Coupling the fact that I'm a man of extremes and the fact that the super-ambition is acting, my trip to Australia is justified.

The opportunity first popped up in November last year when my mum said "why don't you go to Australia to stay with Aunty Cherry for a wee while?" I thought hmmm.....okay. I could do that. So I thought, I'll have a wee look into it. When I did, there was something called a working holiday visa which entitles anyone between the ages of 21 and 35 the opportunity to go "down under" and work for up to 2 years. I filled in all the forms and then hit the proverbial bump in the road. I needed either a return ticket or A$1000 to buy one and A$5000, which comes to about £3,500. I don't have that kind of money! So, downhearted, I put my Aussie dream on a back burner.

That is, I put it on a back burner until tuesday when my Aunty Cherry who was visiting came over and reposed the question to me. I told her that I'd considered it but didn't have the money and she said, well why don't I sponsor you the money you need? SO YES! It's finally fricking happening. Well, I've not filled in the visa form again. But I now know the answer to the bump in the road question, do you have blah-blah-blah. YES! YES AUSTRALIAN IMMIGRATION I DO! YAY!!! And now, what is there really to stop me?

Just as a random end to the blog I thought I'd list the 3 most important things in my life.

1. My nephew, Alfie.
2. My friends.
3. My own personal sense of individuality.
   

I'll blog more as developments with Australia or anything else happening.
But how's that for an opener?!
Muchos loving. Paul xx

PS: This is me in action. Just thought I'd post it for all y'alls amoozmint.