So YEAH. As I said, enabling.
I first came up with this thought the other night when I was watching "Too Fat For 15" on Watch. As the title would suggest it concerns children, around about the age of 15 who are among the first generation who won't outlive their parents due to their size. They're not all aged 15, I think the eldest person is about 18? I could be wrong.
The prospect of "enabling", in my head, is allowing something to happen by unwitting encouragement. In this instance, to, without knowledge, encourage negative behaviours to happen by making excuses or lack of attention.
The series takes place in a residential school which looks a bit like what most of us Brits would think of as a stereotypical summer camp in America; log cabins, lakes, trees etc. The only difference is that it's a year-long school and it's called Wellspring Academy. Now, people who know me will know that I'm a heavy set guy, sometimes I wish I wasn't, sometimes it doesn't bother me, but these kids are exceptional cases. There's one girl who, at the age of 17 years old when she entered the camp weighed 512 lbs. I'm not one to judge someone that overweight, nor do I know the reasons why, but it's just an example of what the show deals with. The girl in question lost something like 195 lbs in her time on the show and I believe (or rather hope) will appear in the 2nd season to show her further progress.
The child from whom this whole argument stems is a boy called Scotty Basso, who, at 13 years old weighed in at 366 lbs! That's heavier than me and I'm 8 years older! My little brother is 13 years old and we come from a family of heavy people (who can pinpoint the reason why....good food and a love for takeaways maybe?) and that's never really changed drastically. But my problem with Scotty was the enabling behaviour his parents were showing, his mother in particular.
In a child's formative years, in my opinion, s/he should be nurtured; who that nurturing comes from is irrelevant, but still, nurturing should happen in some form and I don't mean over nurturing, I just mean the showing of love and affection for the child. I don't think it's impossible to have an outlet from somewhere, I think there's always someone there willing to show that love in any situation. But what Mother Basso was doing was enabling her son. He had to have surgery on his gall bladder due to his excessive over-eating and on the day that she took him out of Wellspring for said surgery, she took him to a Japanese buffet on the way home! How can she be so blind as to allow this to happen? Point 1; her son is going for potentially life-saving surgery and that problem stemmed from his over-eating and point 2; he's been putting in effort over the course of his time at Wellspring to ensure absolute success and you're rewriting that!
The reason I started off on nurturing is because it's key to establish a contrast in two very different concepts. When you nurture a child, you show him/her love, but are also able to discipline them because discipline in itself is a form of nurture, showing them that actions have consequence and too often now people *attempt* to be "Supernanny Parents" where no real action happens, there's a naughty step and a star-chart. I always say a smack on the bum did me no harm. Full on child abuse CANNOT happen, but a smack in the bum did me no harm. I don't have a criminal record or any "majorly" bad habits. Go figure. But I think that's a topic for another day.
In the ultimate episode of the series, the kids are seen enjoying Summer break, all the while having to stick to programme and try their best. All of the kids try their best; except Scotty who AGAIN makes shit choices and makes excuses. I got angry watching this. I couldn't understand how someone so young could come up with so many excuses as to his behaviour, then they showed his mum. QUEEN OF THE ENABLING EXCUSE. One of the final things shown in the season was their last weigh-ins at home. At the end of the semester at Wellspring, Scotty weighed in at 305, an amazing weight-loss by any standard! In his final weigh in at home he weighed 316. 11 lbs heavier than he was at the start of summer. His mother ensured that he went to the Doctor's surgery to get weighed on those scales because;
- "the scales at home weren't the most accurate".
- "he weighed himself later in the day than he normally would."
- "he hadn't been to the toilet that day."
Now, anyone that knows me, knows that I have a short fuse quite a lot of the time. I get angry quite needlessly, not in a violent way, but if someone says something to annoy me, it's probably better if I step out of the room because I'll say something I'll regret. I never used to be like that, but I feel that as life kicks you in the chops in various ways, it becomes a defence mechanism. So imagine me watching this and this woman is throwing all of these excuses as to why her son has gained weight. At the Doctors surgery, he was weighed on the "accurate" scales and deemed 2 lbs HEAVIER than what the scales at home had told him.
In a moment of what can only be described as menthol clarity, I realised that Scotty wasn't fully to blame; his mother was as much as he was! She had enabled his behaviour for so long that excuses became a second nature to him and that's why he was struggling, he had learned this awful trait from her that instead of owning up to mistakes and finding positive ways to move on, the desire to be right and attempt to justify your shortcomings and mistakes is more important.
I find it really sad that enabling happens so often. I suppose it happens everywhere though, in all walks of life. In this case, it could prove to be the difference between life and death which I find very sad. Not to say that all cases of enabling lead to death, but you get the gist.
Thoughts?
Paul xx
