How is life treating you since last we spoke?
I've genuinely thought about this blog at least once a month since I did my last one but never did anything about writing something new. It's funny, because it seems like not an awful lot of time has passed since my first post, but it's been nearly 3 years and in that time, so much has changed! I've kept you up to speed with most of it, which is nice of me, but in the last 10 months since I posted, a fair amount has stayed the same, while a lot more lies on a cutting room floor somewhere in the vast edit suite of my life.
That's deep. Balls deep.
It's funny, because last time, I was going to the Fringe (didn't happen the way I'd expected), I was in a boring Full time job (not there now) and I still lived fairly innocently and most of it just seems to be lying the other way around now. How can 10 months change so much!?
So, I last posted in February. After February, came March and after that was April and that is when I turned 23. As a 23 year old, you don't expect it to be a massive affair. As an age, 23 is just an age and not one that needs masses of fanfare, but I was working all day. It had to be the most depressing birthday EVER. That was one thing that made me think "perhaps this job isn't my future". I tried to drive home the fact to management that I didn't want to do any of the hard stuff that day. I just wanted to do the easy jobs. Unfortunately though, working in an understaffed (not now though, I hear), sales-driven electricals retailer doesn't lend itself to easy jobs all that often. I think that was the point in which everything started to go downhill. I kept at it, taking holidays and days off wherever I could, while in the pursuit of other ventures. I was fairly checked out until the day I handed in my notice (5 months later).
In those 5 months though, I got to go to the Fringe! BUT, not in my one man show. That is a dream still to be recognised. No, I went to the Fringe with my favourite group of people; Youth Music Theatre Scotland in a new-ish piece called "Stick Stock Stone Dead". The road there was by no means easy (3 dropouts in 2 days and a shit load of grumbling) but when we completed it, it was the best ride ever. I lost my phone and my wallet for about 3 days and that really marred the experience for me. I was working under the impression that someone had nicked it, due to the staff at the venue telling me it had happened before. The phone and wallet literally turned up in the middle of the room on the last day having turned the place upside down every day hence! Nut bush, but a happy ending.
In September, the Copland family had a lot of sadness when my Nana, my great-gran who I've mentioned in previous blogs, passed away at the amazing age of 96. It was a really difficult time for us all. My Dad was in part raised by this amazing, interesting woman and her passing hit him really hard. It was letting go of the past for him in many ways and I think this connection to his childhood was one that proved difficult to try and part with. The time between her passing and her funeral was a really strange one. I was strangely cheery. I think the reason, certainly for me felt like a part of me had gone with her. I suppose it was the part that worried for her and the part that suffered with her in those final months. In fact, the night she died, an hour or two after, I wrote this. This hasn't been edited at all, it was just exactly how I felt in that moment.
"The initial shock feels like dry slow motion water. Rises from your shoulders and lurks in the air and floats around your head. Eventually it washes you clean and new and you feel like a different person. The emotions begin to process and it’s as if the part of the person that you held deep within you, is let loose; like a feeling of pain or discomfort fades suddenly and you’re left with a pleasant void. That part of them that you held close is allowed to ascend into the Ether. What was the present, is now the past, and what remains, are memories; are every single thing you ever felt for that person."
A lot of it, probably doesn't make much sense, but that's how I felt in the moment. Reading it back is strange, but when I do, I'm right back there. Her funeral was a sad experience too. I'd never been to a funeral before, but as family, we got to go in the funeral limo which I thought was very nice, until I realised we'd be following behind a hearse with her coffin in it. That was very tough and not something I'd expected. During the service itself, I got really upset pretty much from the moment the minister handed me the order of service and when they played her favourite songs. It was so strange though. As soon as the service was over, I felt fine. Still a bit shaky, but it genuinely felt like the bit of me that still held onto sadness floated away. I think about her every single day and I always smile because she was funny without meaning to be. I even have her bookshelf. I'll give it to my great grandson. That's what I was to her, you see!
Just before my Nana died, I was offered a new job which spoke to me in every single way. Basically I was being offered a beginner package in writing as a kind of way into freelance theatre work. It was PERFECT, but sense was starting to get the better of me and I thought it best to stay at my current job because I thought it was secure, honest work. In truth, my job had been on the line on more than one occasion because of performance in said job. After my Nana passed away and the funeral was done, I was coming home after a particularly shitty day and trying to psyche myself up to calling and turning down the job offer and I had a moment of "why don't I just take it?". It took me about 2 seconds to decide to take the job. I got home and gleefully accepted the job and handed in my notice the next day, a year to the day that I had started training with the company. My Nana had put it all in perspective for me. Life is too short. Okay, my Nana was 96 when she passed but what's 96 years in the grand scheme of life? Not an awful lot. We're all just drops in the water. The trick is to make as big a motherfucking splash as is humanly possible.
Since taking the job life has been infinitely better. I'm writing every day, learning every day and I'm currently enjoying some down time until after Christmas - my favourite time of the year! So ask me this year how I felt this time last year and the answer would more than likely be "SHITE" whereas, ask me now how I feel and the answer is "despite being single, I'm the happiest I've been in a long time". Also, in that time, a dream was recognised when I got to play Sweeney Todd in a production of, you guessed it, "Sweeney Todd". Such a difficult experience. I will truly never be the same again!
I hope this is more uplifting than some of my previous entries. Obviously there was a whole section about death, but from that comes a new chapter. Always look on the bright side of life, as they say. It may not always be easy to see the sun behind the cloud, but you just have to know that it's lurking somewhere.
Happy Whatever-It-Is-You-Celebrate-This-Time-Of-Year and best wishes for 2013!
Just before my Nana died, I was offered a new job which spoke to me in every single way. Basically I was being offered a beginner package in writing as a kind of way into freelance theatre work. It was PERFECT, but sense was starting to get the better of me and I thought it best to stay at my current job because I thought it was secure, honest work. In truth, my job had been on the line on more than one occasion because of performance in said job. After my Nana passed away and the funeral was done, I was coming home after a particularly shitty day and trying to psyche myself up to calling and turning down the job offer and I had a moment of "why don't I just take it?". It took me about 2 seconds to decide to take the job. I got home and gleefully accepted the job and handed in my notice the next day, a year to the day that I had started training with the company. My Nana had put it all in perspective for me. Life is too short. Okay, my Nana was 96 when she passed but what's 96 years in the grand scheme of life? Not an awful lot. We're all just drops in the water. The trick is to make as big a motherfucking splash as is humanly possible.
Since taking the job life has been infinitely better. I'm writing every day, learning every day and I'm currently enjoying some down time until after Christmas - my favourite time of the year! So ask me this year how I felt this time last year and the answer would more than likely be "SHITE" whereas, ask me now how I feel and the answer is "despite being single, I'm the happiest I've been in a long time". Also, in that time, a dream was recognised when I got to play Sweeney Todd in a production of, you guessed it, "Sweeney Todd". Such a difficult experience. I will truly never be the same again!
I hope this is more uplifting than some of my previous entries. Obviously there was a whole section about death, but from that comes a new chapter. Always look on the bright side of life, as they say. It may not always be easy to see the sun behind the cloud, but you just have to know that it's lurking somewhere.
Happy Whatever-It-Is-You-Celebrate-This-Time-Of-Year and best wishes for 2013!
Love,
Paul xx
READING CORNER:
I genuinely wish I could tell you the last book I started and finished. I used to be such an avid reader, but it's fallen by the wayside because I can never get properly immersed in a book. I think the last book I finished was "The Humourist" by Russell Kane (which I got him to sign at the Fringe!). It's a great read! Very funny, very strange and very clever. Also rather gory, so maybe not the best if you're quite sensitive in stomach. I'm currently reading "How To Be A Woman" by Caitlin Moran because she's amazing and funny. She makes me want to be a feminist. I don't know what I'll read next. Maybe I'll persevere and read "The Hobbit" all the way through and not skip whole chunks like I did when I was child. Bad me!
WRITING CORNER:
Well this is new! This is my job now, so it's fun to say what i'm working on, if that interests you. I'm currently working on something I can only describe as "Project Jack AZ". It's a coming of age story but without most of the angst you'll find in other coming of age stories. It draws a lot of influence from "Catcher in the Rye" and the first chapter had to be the first chapter because it's the only part I could allow to bear any relation to it! It's very exciting. Several people have read the Preface and have liked it thus far. I'm happy that I'm doing something right. I'll try and persevere with it and hopefully on the next blog have more exciting developments.
READING CORNER:
I genuinely wish I could tell you the last book I started and finished. I used to be such an avid reader, but it's fallen by the wayside because I can never get properly immersed in a book. I think the last book I finished was "The Humourist" by Russell Kane (which I got him to sign at the Fringe!). It's a great read! Very funny, very strange and very clever. Also rather gory, so maybe not the best if you're quite sensitive in stomach. I'm currently reading "How To Be A Woman" by Caitlin Moran because she's amazing and funny. She makes me want to be a feminist. I don't know what I'll read next. Maybe I'll persevere and read "The Hobbit" all the way through and not skip whole chunks like I did when I was child. Bad me!
WRITING CORNER:
Well this is new! This is my job now, so it's fun to say what i'm working on, if that interests you. I'm currently working on something I can only describe as "Project Jack AZ". It's a coming of age story but without most of the angst you'll find in other coming of age stories. It draws a lot of influence from "Catcher in the Rye" and the first chapter had to be the first chapter because it's the only part I could allow to bear any relation to it! It's very exciting. Several people have read the Preface and have liked it thus far. I'm happy that I'm doing something right. I'll try and persevere with it and hopefully on the next blog have more exciting developments.
