Where to start....I have no idea.
If this is the first post you're reading of mine, my name is Paul Copland. I'm 24 years old. I LIKE TO KICK. STREEEEEEEEEEEETCH. Nah jokes. That's Molly Shannon on SNL from way back. What a gal.
Anyway, I'm 24 years old and NOW OFFICIALLY an undergraduate student at University of Dundee, studying English and Creative Writing. I'm basically a mature student which is quite depressing given that I'm 24 and not 124. Never mind though. We must learn to accept the things we cannot change: a common facet in my life this last year. (And the breeze whispers 'segway'.)
So what has changed this year? I just took a quick breeze over my last entry and I'm struck by the optimism, even though at this stage in my life, I'd say I'm in a happier place. I suppose from 23-24, while, on the whole, tragedies aside, I'm a happier human, but I definitely have an edge of REALNESS. - Clearly, I've been watching too much RuPaul's Drag Race.
I moved out of my family home in January last year and lasted 6 months. It was, overall, a great experience, but not something I want to talk about right now. All in all, finances got the better of me.
In July this year, our family suffered a tremendous blow with the loss of my beloved Wee Gran. I know that people, for the most part grieve the loss of a Grandparent and that in this sense, I'm in no way special, but I've never felt deep grief like it. She truly was the lynch-pin of our entire family. She was, if you like, the brains behind the whole operation and one of the nicest, kindest people you could be lucky enough to meet. When I was about 3 years old, my Gran was diagnosed with Parkinsons' disease. As far as the general consensus goes, so many people don't understand this horrible disease and it's often mocked by those ignorant to the true horrors it presents. Most people see it solely as just shaking. I can tell you that after 21 years of fighting the disease valiantly, shaking was the least of my Gran's worries. Those had stopped perhaps 10 years previously. Instead, when her medication started to wear off, her body would stop and the pain would set in. Towards the end of her life, her mental faculties had started to wear slightly and she was in a constant state of pain. She always had a twinkle in her eye and even the last time I saw her, roughly a month before she died, she was still twinkling. I told her I loved her. That's all that matters to me. There is so much scope for regret in these situations, but it's hard to regret not seeing her when the last time I saw her was so precious.
My Gran's passing has informed a lot of the decisions I've made in the last 5 months. While one of my main reasons for moving home was financial, another is that I wanted to be with my family. I felt very isolated by her passing because it felt as if no one understood, even although I know so many people do. I'm largely glad I moved back. We fight and bicker, but I love being surrounded by family. I also realised FINALLY the futility of life.
In September, I was inspired by a friend to apply for a last minute place at university and I am so glad that I did. The place was available so I very much went and took it because life is ENTIRELY TOO FUCKING SHORT. Seriously, loads of people would look at this ethos as destructive, and in a lot of ways it definitely is, but I feel as if, thus far, it's been a phenomenal decision.
I think though, the most positive thing to happen to me this last year, is my boy. In November, I started chatting with one of the loveliest, sweetest boys I've ever had the pleasure to talk to. A week or so later, we met and connected instantly. A week or so after that we became official and we've been an official couple for 5 weeks now. I know it doesn't seem very long, but I've never connected with someone so quickly and so sincerely. We've spent so much time together now and achieved so much in such a short space of time. We're never short of things to talk about or things to do, but I'm so happy. If it wasn't for him, I probably would've written off 2013 as a fucking failure and I'm so honoured to go into 2014 with him.
That's all I have to say today.
I am happy.
Love and light,
Paul ox
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